Pregnancy After Adoption: Telling the birthmom

My oldest child was adopted at birth. He's not my adopted son, he's my son, who happened to be adopted.

After a recent long and painful journey, we are going to welcome twins into the family. We could not be more thrilled!!

One aspect of my pregnancy has given me almost constant trepidation: Telling my son's birthmom that we're pregnant.

Would she be mad? Would she think we lied to her when we told her we couldn't get pregnant? Would she do something drastic like demand to have S? Would she be hurt?

Well, why would I even have to tell her? I could just NOT tell her where the twins came from and let her assume we also adopted them. That would avoid the possible confrontation of having to explain that we couldn't get pregnant before S was born, but now we could.

For many months I put off telling her. I am now half way through my pregnancy and realized that the longer I wait, the more of a shock it will be. And at that point, she could be more angry than if I was just honest and up front. My husband and I decided we'd better tell her rather than omitting that important fact. Yes, we didn't have to tell her we are pregnant, but then we'd have to lie to her for the rest of our lives. What if, five years down the road, she somehow finds out they are biological. How would she feel then?

No. We had to tell her.

So, I sent her an email update with pictures and stories of S. The whole time I just prayed that I would know what to say. I was scared.

But what was I really afraid of? If I wanted to address the issues, I had to get nitty gritty with my own emotions and figure out what I was feeling. It boiled down to two things.

1. I was afraid she would think we lied to her about our infertility.
2. I was afraid she would think we don't love Seth as much now that we have our "own" kids.

As I wrote K's email, I tried my hardest to address both issues. This is what I wrote:

Well, the biggest news that Seth has is that he's going to be a big brother. When Tyler and I started the adoption process a few years ago, we had already gone through almost two years of infertility treatments. We were told there was really no reason we shouldn't be able to get pregnant...we just couldn't. We had done almost everything we could, but nothing worked. Three months later we found out about you and Seth, and our lives changed forever. At that moment, we knew why we couldn't get pregnant. We needed to be ready for Seth. When Seth was about a year old, we suddenly felt like our next was on his or her way...but after many months of prayers, we realized that we needed to try to get pregnant again. In May, Tyler and I had a very invasive, extensive and difficult procedure done - in vitro fertilization. Seth and I lived in Utah for a month because that's where the specialist was. (That's where I was when you called me back in April.) K, we're pregnant! And want another surprise? We're having twins. Twins! And let me tell you, Seth is THRILLED!! He frequently comes and kisses my belly and says, "Babies." You ask him where the babies are and he points to me and says, "Mama!" One time I was marveling at how big he's gotten, and I said, "Seth, where did my baby go?" Meaning, he's grown up so fast. Without missing a beat, he patted my belly. He's obsessed with babies. He sees one at church or at a friend's house and he has to go give them hugs and kisses. It's very heartwarming.


We want you to know without a doubt that this only increases our love for Seth. He is, and always will be, our first-born. Even though his birth came through the miracle of adoption, he is still as much ours as the babies that will be born in January. K, we love Seth with all our hearts. Sometimes when he puts his arms around me and gives me a hug, I just want to cry from happiness. (I won't tell you that sometimes I do cry.) We are so grateful that he will have the blessing of being a big brother, because he's going to be an amazing brother!!
 
I wasn't sure I'd written the right thing until I read it aloud to my husband. We both got very emotional, and I think it's because it's true. Before we got pregnant, I did have fears that having a biological child would change my feelings for S. But now that they're on their way, I can most assuredly say that I am indeed more in love with my little boy than ever.
 
He is mine. He always will be. He still melts my heart with his smiles and hugs. 
 
I share this experience only because before we told K about the twins, I was at a complete loss. I didn't know if I should tell her or not. If I did tell her, what would I say? How would I begin? It was very difficult. I want others who might be in my position to see how I did it, that way they can have an idea of how they want to do it.
 
Every birth mother is different, but I think as a whole they want the truth. I would dare say they probably also want reassured that their child is just as loved as ever.
 
Telling K about our pregnancy is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I'm grateful we did it.