I Wish...

that this were an annoucement post. We thought it would be. We had a baby...2 actually, born 2 weeks ago. Twin girls. We had names. And car seats. And a nursery. But no babies. We are 99% sure they are not going to be ours and our hearts are broken, again.

Our agency has called to have us redo our fingerprints FIVE times. They can't decide who's they need, mine or my husband's.

At this point I just can't deal. I am ready to be done. Put it all away and forget about it. But I can't. I know that. As much as I want to guard my heart and the hearts of my loved ones, I know that I am supposed to keep fighting. And I will. After I finish crying.

My Reality

I am a stay at home mommy. I love everything about it. My schedule is flexible. We have lots of pajama days. And I don't miss a single second of my daughter's life. She and I are best friends. Really. She helps me clean the house, make dinner, etc. while I read to her, take her to the park and simply cuddle with her in return. But being home all day is really hard right now while I'm waiting. Waiting to hear if we have another miracle on the way. Waiting to hear if my life is going to be blessed with a baby or if I should prepare myself for inevitable heartbreak-again.

I try to escape reality. I read books. I watch tv. I go outside. I drive across town to visit people. Anything to turn my mind off. But the second I am home, it's back to My Reality. This is what I do. I am a mom fighting to get my babies here, so I will check my email 50 times a day and keep calling my caseworker. This is my reality and one day, hopefully very soon, it will pay off.