Aching-My Random Thoughts

I think I am taking a huge risk in writing this because I don't know who's reading it. But, this blog is to serve as a journal of sorts for me as I travel the road to find my second child.

There came a point in the struggle to have a child where I knew I had to accept my "empty womb". Me carrying a child at this time is not part of our Creator's plan and I am able to say, "you know better than I." But that doesn't mean that there's not pain. There are days when I feel so "empty" inside and ache to carry a child, not necessarily in my stomach, but in my arms.

A mother gets nine months to protect her baby inside of her. They grow together and she is able to nurture her baby before it is even born. The minute I held my daughter for the first time, those nine months vanished for me and I knew that it was now my great responsibility to nurture and protect her. I didn't need to be the one who had carried her and given her the gift of life. Our sweet birthmom did that willingly for her and I was grateful that she was placed in our arms, our home and our hearts.

I think that once a baby is placed with us, I will experience again the amazing feelings of love and gratitude and will be able to forget that I didn't carry that child inside. It's just the waiting that'll kill ya.

Couples that face infertility, in any form, often feel unworthy, unloved, hopeless, jealous, sad. It is a lot to face and OVERCOME. Personally, I think that you have much more of the "natural man" in you with all of those feelings and emotions. But, you deal. You cry, you scream, you do whatever it takes to move past the pain. And there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Your child is out there waiting for you.

"Because our empty arms had hurt us through the years
And thoughts of all that might have been would often bring a tear
But we felt hope amid the struggle, for in our hearts we knew
There could be an angel mother who could make all our dreams come true."

-Empty Arms
Janice Kapp Perry

Gratitude

So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to talk about the things relating to adoption that I am thankful for. As I have said before, losing our baby has hurt SO badly and I still find myself crying at random moments. But, I am choosing today to focus on the positives of that experience so that I can say, "I am grateful that this has happened to us."

I am thankful that...

1. I was able to go to my first ultrasound
2. I was able to get to know an incredible young woman who became like a sister to me
3. we were able to know again the love that we could feel for a child we did not create
4. my husband, Daniel, and I have grown closer together
5. it made us appreciate our sweet Brinley and her beautiful birthmom more
6. we felt like we were doing our part to get our next child here (which, to an adoptive couple who has NO control whatsoever, that is a HUGE thing!)
7. I have made new friends through this experience. Friends who understand and offer advice, kleenex or just a listening ear. Friends who have cried with me. Thank you.
8. I have felt hands that are not my own lifting me when I could no longer stand
9. we have caught a glimpse of what a birthparent feels and I think it has given us a little more compassion, a little more understanding and a little more love.
10. a new day is just around the corner and we WILL find our child.

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? Were you recently placed with? Are you a birthparent? Has your life been changed forever by adoption?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! God is good to us!

Stories

I am in awe every time I hear someone's adoption story. The chain of events that led them to that place, to that child...it's incredible. I know that our journey to find our beautiful little girl was miraculous and something we marvel at every day. Each story is so different, different situations, characters, settings, but they all share a common factor. God led them to their child, or their child to them. Would anyone like to share their story?

What is Real?

I found a mother's day talk on my yahoo adoption group that had me in tears. The woman who wrote it had experienced infertility and many years of tears and prayers...and then she was blessed with the gift of a child through adoption. People don't always understand adoption, therefore there are often comments made that may be well-meaning, but are offensive. One thing that people say to adoptive parents is "where's his/her REAL mom? What did their REAL dad look like?"

I feel like as an adoptive mom it is not only right for me to help clear up these misconceptions, but it is my calling. Having the oppurtunity to gain a family through adoption is something that some people might not be willing or able to do. But those who do adopt understand that every child, biological or not is Heavenly Father's child and is only on loan to us for this earthly existence.

Here is a little from her talk. She actually used the story of the Velveteen Rabbit in a way that I had never thought of before.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick out handle?" (Or the ability to bear your own children) "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.""Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?""It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become.It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off (or you have pulled it all out!), and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.""I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled."

I Can't Do It Alone

So, it's now been 6 weeks since we found out that our birthmom changed her mind and decided to parent her baby. It has been a very long, hard 6 weeks. I have cried many tears and asked many "whys"? I have felt alone and wished that people could understand our loss. But today I realized that although it would be great if people could TRULY understand our loss, the pain is mine to endure to get to the point of healing.

But, I can't do it alone. None of us can, which is why we have been given our family and friends. And our Savior.

You have someone to lean on. Always.

Half Full/Half Empty

That phrase takes on an entirely new meaning to me. Since our daughter was about 1 we have had everything ready to go to adopt again. She will be 2 next month. We have been waiting for a year to find a child, OUR child. So many people have said things like, "you already have a baby." But right now, at this very moment, I feel half full/half empty. One arm is full and the other one is aching to hold my child again. I say again because I know that I was with their spirit before this life. When Brin was born I told her that it had been a long 20 years without her. The day we met was like a reunion...it's something I look forward to experiencing again and again until I feel like ALL of my babies are home and my arms (and Daniel's) couldn't possibly be empty anymore!

Dreams

Sometimes, when you think that you are moving on and getting over something, you dream about it and it feels like it has happened all over again. I have alternating dreams. In some, our birthmom tells us that she wants to place with us. Others, we relive the experience of being told that our little girl is not ours anymore.

Before Brin was born, I was blessed with remarkable dreams about HER. And since beginning this adoption journey again, I have experienced dreams which felt so real I couldn't believe that they hadn't happened.

I think that when you are actively SEEKING your child, rather than EXPECTING them, you are blessed with dreams that can help guide you to them. Have you experienced a dream that helped you KNOW your child before you found them?

Range of Emotions

One of the biggest factors on both sides of adoption is emotion. While I can only say what we have felt as an adoptive family, I know that birth parents face many similar feelings. Recently we were matched with a birthmom who ended up changing her mind. While it has been one of the hardest things we've ever been through, I can't say that I blame her. It is a HARD thing to do, but also the bravest, most selfless thing anyone can do to place a child for adoption. It truly takes someone special to be able to place their child in the arms of their forever family.

We have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. They call the adoption journey a roller coaster and it definitly is! As you go through the process it helps to have someone you can talk to who has been there and can provide advice or simply a listening ear.

Don't expect yourself to handle things a certain way as you go through the process (waiting especially). You've got to be willing to let yourself cry, be frustrated and be angry (I'm trying to take my own advice here!) and then move on to the next emotion as it comes. Right now, I feel HOPE. I know there is a child out there that is meant to be mine and I won't stop looking until I find them.

You may only hear good things about adoption, or just the opposite. I don't think there's really a way to prepare yourself either because every situation, couple and birthparent are very different. But you have a loving Father in Heaven to walk each step with you. He knows where YOUR child is and I believe He will lead you to them.

Welcome

Adoption. That 1 word invokes so many feelings in me. One day I made a list that said, "adoption...

angelic. precious gift. prayer. selflessness. excitment. hope. joy. waiting. learning. bonding. forgiveness. gratitude. pain. happiness. faith. heroism. frustration. gratitude. amazing. bravery. healing. family. courage. anticipation. nervousness. blessing. Atonement. compassion. miraculous. eternal. emotional. LOVE."

I have wanted a place to share my thoughts for a long time and hope that by sharing them I can help others come to understand more about adoption. So, enjoy the ride with me. I can't guarantee that it will be an easy one, but I do know it's worth it!