Growth

I have moments, tiny one, but moments all the same where I can see growth. Growth in myself, growth in my husband as we face our challenges together. He is always better at putting hard feelings aside and moving on...where I dwell and hurt and cry and then cry some more. This week I had an experience that made me see the growth though. It was only for a moment, but I was so proud of myself, of my husband, of us. I know this probably isn't making sense, but I have to journal this so that I can remember (even as soon as tomorrow) when I forget that there is purpose behind our trials- GROWTH.

Too cute!

I hope that she doesn't mind me sharing this, but a woman on my Yahoo Adoption Group recently shared this little story...

Her young daughter was sick and had to spend the night in the hospital. Her husband brought her son to visit his sister. As they walked towards her room, they passed the nursery. Staring with wide eyes at all of the tiny babies, he said, "Dad, is this the adoption room?"

She added, "Sigh. If only it were that simple." True. True.

Everything

I LOVE this song, and of course, the video makes me baul. Thank you "K" for giving EVERYTHING to our Brin.

I can't figure out how to add a video, but follow this link...

Mark Schultz

10 Things I LOVE...

About Adoption!
I saw this on a friend's blog and tweaked it for this blog :) These are in no particular order.

1) Meeting your child-looking them in the eyes and KNOWING that you are theirs and they are yours. I've said it before, but when I met my daughter it felt like we both said, "welcome home."

2) Adoption music-I cry like a baby when I hear it! Songs about incredible birth parents, incredible adoptive parents and most of all, incredible miracle children.
*Try these cds-Do you have a little love to share-Janice Kapp Perry/ Chosen cd/ From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours book & cd combo-Michael Mclean

3) Happy endings. When these amazing birth parents go on and graduate from college, or meet that special someone who will help mend their broken heart. Of course almost every child/adoptive family has a happy ending too, but I especially appreciate a good one for the birth family! :)

4) LDS Family Services. Because it is my religion, I feel more comfortable sharing things with them and I know that they are praying, just as I am, that all will be well. Their goal is to find FOREVER families for the babies they place...pretty worthy goal if you ask me :)

5) When a judge pronounces that your child will now be forever known as "____________" and for the first time they say their first, middle and last name! On all paperwork prior to finalization, it just says "baby girl"/"baby boy". The judge says that this child is now like he/she was born to you and there will be no legal difference...which leads me to my absolute favorite thing about adoption...

6) Having your child join your ETERNAL family. After finalization, you are able to have your child sealed to you in the Temple and they can then receive a name a blessing. No words can ever describe how incredible it is that our Father in Heaven has provided a way for us to be a family forever, no matter how we are built.

7) Adoption books and movies-also make me cry! (This subject is dear to my heart, so I cry easily anyway:) My favorite adoption movie is "A Place for Annie", it's a Hallmark movie that I have loved since I was really young...never imagining that I would be an adoptive mommy! We have many favorite adoption books, but for fiction I love "My not-so-fairy-tale life" by Julie Wright. Non-fiction I like "A treasury of Adoption Miracles" by Karen Kingsbury. And our favorite children's book about adoption is called "The Lamb-a-roo" by Diana Kimpton. Hope you enjoy them as much as we did!

8) Getting to know other people that have placed a child, have adopted, are adopting, or ARE adopted. Everyone has stories in their lives and "these stories don't mean anything, if you've got no one to tell them to..." I love to hear their stories and learn from them, cry with them, grow from them.

9) Sharing a relationship with birth parents. You think that no one loves your child as much as you do, but the brave decision to place that baby is proof that that's not the case! Every situation is different and many adoptive families were never able to meet their child's birth family, but I'm so grateful that we did. They are amazing and their love for our daughter will be part of her life every single day.

10) That adoption is a gift given to create families. Someone once told me that adoption was not about love, but was about trying to make someone else's child your own. I couldn't disagree more. Adoption is about a child who needs a family, and a family who needs a child and through the Grace of God, they find each other. I will never not acknowledge our little girl's birthmom as the woman who carried her and loved her enough to give her MORE. But in every sense of the word, B is now my daughter and will be FOREVER.

I know with all of my heart that adoption is an act of God. It is about pure love and has taught me so much already, I can't wait to see what comes next!

I Wish...

that this were an annoucement post. We thought it would be. We had a baby...2 actually, born 2 weeks ago. Twin girls. We had names. And car seats. And a nursery. But no babies. We are 99% sure they are not going to be ours and our hearts are broken, again.

Our agency has called to have us redo our fingerprints FIVE times. They can't decide who's they need, mine or my husband's.

At this point I just can't deal. I am ready to be done. Put it all away and forget about it. But I can't. I know that. As much as I want to guard my heart and the hearts of my loved ones, I know that I am supposed to keep fighting. And I will. After I finish crying.

My Reality

I am a stay at home mommy. I love everything about it. My schedule is flexible. We have lots of pajama days. And I don't miss a single second of my daughter's life. She and I are best friends. Really. She helps me clean the house, make dinner, etc. while I read to her, take her to the park and simply cuddle with her in return. But being home all day is really hard right now while I'm waiting. Waiting to hear if we have another miracle on the way. Waiting to hear if my life is going to be blessed with a baby or if I should prepare myself for inevitable heartbreak-again.

I try to escape reality. I read books. I watch tv. I go outside. I drive across town to visit people. Anything to turn my mind off. But the second I am home, it's back to My Reality. This is what I do. I am a mom fighting to get my babies here, so I will check my email 50 times a day and keep calling my caseworker. This is my reality and one day, hopefully very soon, it will pay off.

The Infinite Power of Hope.

Did you know that it is a commandment to have hope? I spoke in Sacrament meeting yesterday and realized that I was supposed to speak to remind myself about hope. Here is the article I based my talk on. We are taught to "against hope believe in hope."

I saw some crazy minister on tv last night (I know it was Sunday, but it's HGTV's Showdown-how could I miss that?!) Anyway, this minister said that God wants to give us these huge blessings that make us say, "Wow! Who could have ever imagined a blessing that great?!" Which, it's true that He wants to bless us, but we also have to do our part and work at it. So, from now on, I am going to work on having HOPE. I am going to make a CHOICE to allow my faith to overcome my fear and my hope to overcome my despair.

This song is from the Adoption cd "Chosen". It's by Kirsten Millsap and sums it up perfectly.

Hello my name is Hope.
I've lived forever.
And I have made many smile.
Now they have tried to keep me silent
They've sent rain and they've sent fire
But I am strong and enduring
I am eternal
They'll never stop from singing
I know it's hard to believe in something
When it cannot be seen
But my name is hope and if you are listening
Then you will hear me singing
I've held the hands of children
I give them reason to survive
And I can heal the wounds of affliction
Just open your heart, let me come in
Hello my name is hope I spring eternal
Seeds of faith grown in my heart
Hello my name is hope
I'll help you move mountains
If you'll only believe
For with your prayers and the Father willing
Then we will keep on singing.

Hannah

My entire life I have been told how I got my name from the Hannah in the bible, just minus the "h" on the end. My parents had prayed and prayed for me after a couple of miscarriages and I was the answer to their prayers. It's the kind of story that makes you feel wanted, grounded, loved.

I have a dear, dear friend who is going through something very similar to our trial, hoping for a baby. We have discussed the feelings that live inside, the anger. The sadness. The feelings of unworthiness and jealousy. She told me the story of "Hannah" in a way that I had never thought of before.

In the first book of Samuel, Hannah is married to a man who has 2 wives. The other wife can bear children, she cannot. Talk about jealousy and bitterness. That would be so painful! Her husband loved her, "but the Lord had shut up her womb." (Samuel 1:5) Then it says something that hit home..."and her adversary provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the Lord had shut up her womb." (Samuel 1:6)
Her adversary provoked her sore...Satan made her angry. Obviously the bad feelings that often come with infertility and sometimes creep into our adoption experience are not from God. As we know, every good thing comes from God. But I hadn't thought in detail about these feelings and where they were coming from. I just knew they were real and they HURT.

Hannah "went up to the house of the Lord" where she prayed and wept, and prayed some more. Her husband asked her why she was crying and said "why is thy heart grieved? Am not I better to thee than 10 sons?" I am pretty sure that at least one partner in a marriage facing infertility has asked this question before. You are ENOUGH, but you can't fix the hurt.

Hannah continues to pray, and pray. She "wept sore", sound familiar? She pleads with the Lord and makes a vow that if she is blessed with a child she will give him over in the service of God. Guess what, her faith is sufficient and her prayers are answered. "For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him" Then we learn that as long as her son Samuel lived, he worshipped the Lord at the Temple.

I learned SO much reading this again. How many nights I have "wept sore" but I know that the Lord hears my petition.

I found this in the Bible Dictionary about prayer : "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work, and is an apointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings."

How grateful I am to my dear friend for showing me something I had been missing in the story of Hannah and Samuel. I know that the Lord answers our prayers. He really does. I have Brinley as proof. :) He'll answer your's too, you know. Sending hugs your way as you face this difficult trial.

The Gift of Adoption

This month's Ensign had a wonderful article about adoption from different perspectives...read the article here.

There's More

When a friend learned that we had had a birthmom change her mind, she said simply, "There's more. And they need you."

Thank you for that reminder today.