Aching-My Random Thoughts

I think I am taking a huge risk in writing this because I don't know who's reading it. But, this blog is to serve as a journal of sorts for me as I travel the road to find my second child.

There came a point in the struggle to have a child where I knew I had to accept my "empty womb". Me carrying a child at this time is not part of our Creator's plan and I am able to say, "you know better than I." But that doesn't mean that there's not pain. There are days when I feel so "empty" inside and ache to carry a child, not necessarily in my stomach, but in my arms.

A mother gets nine months to protect her baby inside of her. They grow together and she is able to nurture her baby before it is even born. The minute I held my daughter for the first time, those nine months vanished for me and I knew that it was now my great responsibility to nurture and protect her. I didn't need to be the one who had carried her and given her the gift of life. Our sweet birthmom did that willingly for her and I was grateful that she was placed in our arms, our home and our hearts.

I think that once a baby is placed with us, I will experience again the amazing feelings of love and gratitude and will be able to forget that I didn't carry that child inside. It's just the waiting that'll kill ya.

Couples that face infertility, in any form, often feel unworthy, unloved, hopeless, jealous, sad. It is a lot to face and OVERCOME. Personally, I think that you have much more of the "natural man" in you with all of those feelings and emotions. But, you deal. You cry, you scream, you do whatever it takes to move past the pain. And there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Your child is out there waiting for you.

"Because our empty arms had hurt us through the years
And thoughts of all that might have been would often bring a tear
But we felt hope amid the struggle, for in our hearts we knew
There could be an angel mother who could make all our dreams come true."

-Empty Arms
Janice Kapp Perry