What Not to Say

I stumbled across this and totally loved it. (Yes, he's a single father of an adopted son. And he's brilliant.)

Single Dad Laughing's Guide to Adoption Etiquette

SDL does drop a few inappropriate words, but I loved his message. He's so candid and real about his responses.

I took stock of how whether or not I'd heard these things and here is what I came up with.

1. Never heard this one. I have had interested persons ask me how much it cost to adopt, which I was happy to answer. But I've never had someone ask me "how much my kid cost."
2. Never heard this one either. I'd probably laugh.
3. I've heard versions of this. And yes, I had to suppress the urge to hit something.
4. Oh boy. If I had a dime for every time I heard this...
5. Yes.
6. No.
7. Yes.
8. Yes. And while they are just trying to be nice, I do agree. I don't look at pregnant women and say, "You're so good to give birth." We're all just parents, and our children come to our families however they're supposed to.
9. I got the horrible adoption stories. It boggles my mind why someone would do this. It's like telling a pregnant women horrible miscarriage stories.
10. Never heard this, but Seth is still young. I usually hear, "Is it hard for you that he's adopted?"
11. Heard these stories too. It always made me feel guilty that we were able to adopt. And the last thing I want to feel when looking at my son is guilt.

The thing I like to remember when dealing with stupid or hurtful comments is usually the offender just doesn't know any better. They're not trying to be rude (most of the time), they're just ignorant. I can cut them a little slack, and it helps with my anger management.

Thank you

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my previous post with advice, help, and encouragement. I guess I just needed to be reminded that I am a good mom and it'll be ok.

I was listening to Michael McLean's song, "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours," and the birth mom talks about the adoptive mom giving the child both his mothers' love. I truly feel that. With S I feel like I love him so much, enough for the both of us, and that will make everything alright in the end.

PS. If you think of any other tips or ideas, please let me know!

I need help

I want S to grow up knowing he is adopted. I just want it to be a part of who he is so he never has to question or wonder.

My problem is, how do I tell him?! Do I just start from day one saying, "You are adopted." And when he's old enough he can ask me what adopted means? Or do I tell him, "Your birth mom emailed today..." or "You are special because mommy couldn't hold you in her tummy, so someone else did." Or, "You were meant to be part of our family, you just came a different way than most people." ?

My son is almost a year old, and at this point he understands a lot of what I say, but I think this might go over his head. But for how long? I try to tell him, but my words always make me sound like I'm reading a sentence backwards. They just make no sense.

So I need help, advice, experiences. What did you say? When did you start saying it? When did your child understand you? And how did they take it?

Please help me.

Legacy of an Adopted Child

*My son's birthmother just called and read this poem to me. I found it HERE under poems. Thank goodness for the internet!

Legacy of An Adopted ChildAuthor Unknown

Once there were two women,

Who barely knew each other.

One is in your heart forever,

The other you’ll call mother.

Two different lives,

Shaped to make yours one.

One became your guiding star,

The other became your sun.

The first gave you life,

And the second taught you how to live it.

The first gave you a need for love,

And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,

The other gave you a name.

One gave you the seed of talent,

The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile,

The other dried your tears.

One gave you a family,

It was what God intended for her to do.

The other prayed for a child,

And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me

Through your tears,

The age old question through the years.

Heredity or environment…

Which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling… neither,

Just two different kinds of love.

A Reunion

In May, I received a phone call (out of the blue) from my son's birth mother. I was chicken and didn't answer the phone. She left a message saying she had some great news to share with me.

When I mustered my courage and called her back, she told me that she had a little sister that was placed for adoption at birth. Ever since she had placed S with us, she felt more and more compelled to find her biological sister.

On May 28th, she found her via a social networking sight. She was so emotionally overcome that she wanted to share it with someone.

Me.

I was honored and even cried a little bit myself because she found her sister and she cared enough about me to tell me. It was such a sweet experience.

Tender Mercies

One year ago I was scammed. My husband and I had been trying to adopt again for more than a year and seemed to lose baby after baby. We met another birthmom online and began talking to her. She had the baby and we fell in love with her through pictures while she was in the NICU. The birthmom decided to raise her daughter. Our hearts were broken and we prayed that these two special girls would have everything that they needed in life.

A few months ago, I was reading a friend's blog about her situation that sounded VERY similar to our experience. We found out through her detective skills that this was indeed a scam and the baby that we had fallen in love with had never existed. It's sick that someone would/could do something like that to a couple so desperate, so prepared, so emotional, so deserving. I was angry. Livid actually. And then I remembered my happy ending.

Just one month after learning that we would not be raising that baby, a friend contacted us about someone she knew who was having a baby girl...in five short weeks! We took a leap of faith and made a 14 hour journey to meet her. She chose us as her daughter's parents. I will never forget pulling up to her house after our long, emotional drive and seeing the cutest pregnant belly I've ever seen! It was so great to feel the baby kick and know that she was REAL. At the time I didn't know how important the "Real" part was...I had thought the other baby was real too. Looking back, I am so grateful for the Tender Mercies of the Lord. I'm grateful that I found out that we had been scammed...after it had already happened. I can't change anything about it, but it could have certainly changed my path. What if we lacked the faith in our daughter's birthmom and never went to meet her?

Our daughter is almost a year old. She is our sunshine and the love of my life. (Well, one of them, our 3 year old and my husband are high on my list too! :) Our Father in Heaven is aware of us. He knows us. He loves us. He wants us to be happy. I am so grateful that he led us to her, our REAL baby!

Happy Birthmother's Day!

Today is the day to celebrate Birthmothers! We love you for your selflessness, your devotion and love. Thank you to ALL birthmothers wherever you may be. You are LOVED.

"Natural Child"

Natural child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: Any child who is yours to love.
Adopted child: A natural child, with a real parent who is loved.

Amen! Thanks M!

I wonder

I sometimes wonder what people think when I talk about S's adoption.

I often mention his birth parents in casual conversation - when people comment about how big he is, I tell him his birth parents are both tall. It's amazing how many people make reference to pregnancy when they see you have a baby. They ask about gaining baby weight, being pregnant and going to college, having heart burn, all kinds of things. I just say, "Well, he's adopted, so I don't know." Most often they get that look on their face. The same kind of look I had when I was a freshman in college and asked a girl in my math class if her mom was coming for Mother's Week. She told me her mom was dead. I was so embarrassed and felt horrible, but how was I supposed to know?

Adoption isn't a bad word. I try to be lighthearted or make a joke so the person doesn't feel bad. I never want someone to feel guilty or embarrassed for asking me about adoption. It's a part of life, and more importantly it's a part of our life.

The one thing that I am curious about is what people think. When you tell someone you've adopted, you are basically announcing to complete strangers that there is a reason you had to adopt, whether it be health issues or infertility. No one ever asks, but I wonder what they think.

Helps

I recently came across a website and blog that I love.

The website, http://www.parenthoodforme.org/, has resources for infertility, adoption, parenthood in general. Their motto is "everyone deserves parenthood" so they have helps on how to either overcome infertility or adopt.

The neat thing about them is they offer grants for adopting couples and couples going through medical and fertility treatments. Nice! Most of us know how daunting those bills can be when you are going through so much other emotion in addition.

Their blog, http://parenthoodforme.blogspot.com/, has articles and real life stories. It's just a neat blog to look through. There was an awesome post about fertility a few days ago that I just love. You can find it here. I love feeling like I'm not alone.

I think what I like the most about these sites is that they're all for medical treatment and adoption, because we deserve parenthood either way.

And, if you are in the helping mood, I have a good friend who is hoping to adopt. She has found a fun way to try to help finance that adoption. If you are interested in helping, you can find her blog here: http://www.adoptablanket.blogspot.com/ I have already bought one of her darling blankets as a gift, and it was perfect.

If you know of any other helpful websites please let us know so we can all share the wealth.