Adoption Myths

I realize this is my debut post, and I've been debating whether or not to post this. But in the end I decided this is what I wanted to write about.

Should I introduce myself?

Hi. My name is Deborah, and I'm a mother. My husband and I are completely in love with our little boy, S, who is four months old. He is ours by the miracle of adoption. Before you read anymore of my post, let me warn you that I am a writer. I'm like the person you can't get to keep their mouth shut...only with my fingers. I tend to sometimes be long winded, but I hope what I have to say is worth the endurance of the reader. Cheers!

Before we adopted S, I had no idea the impact the word "adoption" would have on people. Through our journey to find our boy, I discovered a very disheartening truth: there are many negative feelings linked to the word adoption.

So, to dispel some of the myths I have come across during my limited experience, I decided to write this post about adoption myths. To find more, visit Adoption Myths.

Adoption is for people who can't have kids.

This statement seems innocent enough, but it is, in fact, quite horrible. It's true that most adoptions occur because the couple is unsuccessful or unable to get pregnant or have biological children. However, I have met many families that have adopted children as well as had biological children. My own family is an example. My mother gave birth to five of us, and we all knew someone was missing. For years, the question (after a head count) was always, "Who's missing?" It wasn't until six years ago, a few months before I turned 20 and got married, when my little brother was born and brought into our family. Adoption is not only for people who "can't have kids."

Furthermore, it makes it seem like adoption is a second best choice. "Well, I couldn't have kids, so I guess I'll adopt." Which brings us to our next myth.

Adoption is a second rate way to get a baby.

I don't know about you, but the words "get" and "have" grate against my skin like a pumice stone. But that's not the issue here. Adoption is not a second rate way to get a baby, it's a miracle that brings families together.

This is a hard one to explain unless you have adopted or are deeply connected with an adopted child. Let me just say this. No adoptive parent loves their child any less, or considers them any less "theirs" because the child is adopted. We don't know why we are asked to create our families in this way. All we know is that there is a reason, and we may never know it.

Birth mothers are all druggies.

This is simply not true. Birth mothers are brave, courageous women with so much love in their hearts that they sacrifice a life with the child in order to give them something better. I've always loved the quote, "I didn't give him up, I gave him something better." The are unselfish, loving, and strong. Where would most of us be if not for our children's birth mothers?

They come in all shapes and sizes. They can be teenagers who still have a life to live and a little growing up to do. They can be a little older and realize they can't offer the child a family and home like someone else could. S's birth parents are married with three other children and realized from conception that they were not able or meant to raise him. So they did the hard thing and found us.

Birth parents deserve our respect and love.

I could never love someone else's child.

I'm not going to say that I did not have this fear before we adopted. Tyler and I spent many nights discussing this very issue. What if S was born and we realized that we didn't really feel the way we should toward him? What if we had other children...would we love him any less?

In all fairness, I think it's a valid fear, but it is, in fact, a myth. When that child is placed in your arms, they are placed in your heart and soul. They become yours, and you become theirs. When S was still a few days old, I would talk to him in the quiet of my room and say things like, "Mommy loves you." And then, after a moment, I always felt like I had to explain to him who "mommy" was. Because somewhere was a mother who loved him enough to place him with us, but I wanted him to know I was his mommy and I loved him. He didn't need that explanation. He knows better.

I love him with all my heart, and I honestly believe with my whole soul that if I had given birth to him I could not love him any more.

Now that you've adopted, you'll get pregnant.

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me this, or hinted it to me...I'd be rich I'm sure.

The fact is you or I could very well get pregnant after adopting. It's not impossible if that's what the Lord has in store...but who really knows what the Lord has planned? Is it in his plan for us to get pregnant? I hope so. But if not, I have to be ok with that. It's something I have to come to terms with. And for the most part, I have. But I can tell you it's still a sensitive issue.

I did not adopt so that I could get pregnant. I adopted because Heavenly Father meant for S to travel a different path to our family. So while most people have good intentions when they say this, they have no idea how sad it makes me.

Adoption is easier than pregnancy.

I have never been pregnant, so I cannot say that adoption is easier, or that pregnancy is easier. The fact is there is probably things about both that are easier or harder than the other.

But if you have never adopted, you don't know the baggage that comes along with your child. I could write a book on all the things you have to "deal" with and worry about when you adopt. The fear and the unknown that are your constant companions...not to mention the fact that your child has another mother and another father somewhere. But I won't bore you with the details.

If you are an adoptive parent, or soon-to-be, just realize that someday, someone will make this comment to you. My advice? Chalk it up to ignorance. They simply don't know. Say what you want to defend yourself if you feel it necessary. (I told them that there were parts of pregnancy I wished I had been blessed with, but that I was grateful for the opportunity to take S to the temple.) But don't be too offended.

If you have never adopted and think it's easier than pregnancy, please don't say anything. You will most likely just hurt someone's feelings in the process.

Adoption is a fix-all.

Most couples don't get married and say, "Oh, I think we'll adopt now." There is usually some level of infertility treatment or medical testing and such that goes along with the choice of adoption. And along with those treatments and testing comes heartache and pain.

Just because we now have a son does not mean our hearts don't ache for our other children. I am still sometimes saddened when I realize I'm not pregnant and so-and-so is. It sometimes takes me a moment or two to realize that I have blessings aplenty and I just need to be grateful. Truly, I did not understand this until after we adopted S. I honestly thought it would be "all better" after we adopted. My life has meaning, and I have the greatest blessing ever given: that of motherhood. But somewhere inside me, I'm still reminded of the fact that things didn't go the way I planned, and that is sometimes hard. Indeed, I think I surprised and maybe bothered a few people when they realized that everything was not "fixed."

Be patient with adoptive mothers who express continued sadness over their "loss" of not being able to bear children. It's programmed within us to have that desire, and it's not a bad thing. We all deal with it a little differently. And just because we get a little sad sometimes, doesn't mean we are ungrateful for our children. Our miracles.

And mothers...be of good cheer! We do have our miracles! And we will continue to have them as long as the Lord sees fit, for he is truly mindful of us all.

Reviews

When shopping for something adoption related, I think it would be great to have a guide to follow. If it is books that I'm interested in, I usually order them through the library (if my local library doesn't have a copy available) and check them out before buying them. I once had a VERY long list of books (mostly children's books) that I wanted to read, but I have narrowed my favorites down quite a bit. I am going to write my own little reviews on some and tell you why I love the ones that I do. This list will be ongoing, I'm sure and keep in mind that it is only my opinion...

Coming soon!

A New Voice

After much twisting of the arm (just kidding) my best friend has agreed to be a contributor to this blog. She recently adopted a sweet baby boy and has gracefully navigated this journey, the ups, downs and in betweens of adoption. She is incredible, I admire and love her and am excited to hear what she has to say!

Haven't Met You Yet

A friend told me recently that she misses me updating this blog. Thank you "M", I miss it too.

I am in love with this song, Just Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble. You can't help but feel happy when you hear it. I was listening to the words today and thought that ironically, it sounds like it was written for an parent waiting for their child!

I'm not surprised.
Not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in.
Talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

(Chorus)
And I know someday it'll all work out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your love is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

(Chorus)

They say all's fair.
In love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and
We'll be united.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you kid, I'll give more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet!

Thinking of this song, in that context, put a huge smile on my face. We do all that we can to get our children here. I have to remember that "It'll all work out!" AND that someone HAS met them, Our Father in Heaven. He knows them and He knows us. "We'll get it right and we'll be united."

Magic

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted last!

November is National Adoption Month! Now that our adoptions are final and we are not "looking" for our Miracles, but enjoying them, I find that adoption isn't constantly at the front of my mind. With both of my girls, I forget that I did not give birth to them and feel like they've always been a part of me. The only difference (besides the fact that I didn't give birth) is that our family has grown by several people, not just the addition of a baby. In both cases we added another set of grandparents or 2, some aunts, uncles, cousins, and of course, our remarkable birth parents.

Now that we have finalized our adoptions, there is great relief and it's time to simply "be" as a family. We discuss adoption often as a family and it's not something that will ever be hidden, like it's shameful, because it's NOT shameful.

As we discuss adoption, our 2 year old is beginning to grasp the concept. This week we had a very long, very neat conversation about adoption. My 2 year old told me how happy she was to be in our home and she actually said that "it's not a mistake." I had no idea she even knew that word and the entire conversation left me speechless with tears in my eyes.

Our second daughter is 4 and half months old. She is pure joy and such a happy baby. There is something about the bond that I have with her that is magic. When she looks at me, it's like she KNOWS, just like our 2 year old knows, just like my husband and I know, that we are a FAMILY. Forever. We were meant to be together. I am their mommy, they are my sweet girls. We have been so blessed to be touched by adoption and I'm so grateful to now be enjoying my miracles.

Thank You

I know that I am incredibly blessed to have my sweet girls and to have successfully navigated our way through this adoption journey to find them. But I find myself complaining...a lot. Our journey has been one with lots of bumps along the way. Sometimes it seemed that anything that could go wrong, would. But not all of it was bad, after all, I have two beautiful daughters. So, I am setting aside my complaints to say Thank You.

Thank you to 3 birth parents for making an adoption plan for their daughters. Thank you birth families for supporting that plan and standing beside us as we ALL welcomed these little girls into our family.

Thank you to 3 different states for clearing us to go home with our beautiful daughters.

Thank you to 3 different LDSFS offices and caseworkers for tirelessly working on our cases.

Thank you to the girls who considered placing with us and in many ways helping us prepare to be parents again.

Thank you to the PD for taking our fingerprints again and again. And again.

Thank you to countless many who prayed for our family and opened their mouths to tell our story.

Thank you to family and friends for standing beside us and cheering us on.

Thank you to my 2 year old who had to wipe my tears too often and tell me it's okay. She even offered me a bottle once to make me feel better!

Thank you to a sweet husband who held me while I cried and taught me so much about faith and family.

And Thank you to my Father in Heaven for entrusting me with these Precious little spirits.

Adoption is a beautiful, life changing gift.

Adoption Items

I love to find great things about adoption, whether it be media or clothing, it's so nice to know that there are people out there who understand. So, I thought I'd share some of my favorite finds...

This website has such cute shirts for adopting moms and dads. My favorites are, "Paper Pregnant" or "Have I met her real mother? Yes...it's ME!" and "yes, my hands are full, but so is my heart!" Their prices are pretty reasonable, so these would make great gifts. (hint hint! ;) Check out their sale and clearance sections too.

www.adoptionmama.com

The cd "Chosen" is full of beautiful songs written from the perspective of the birth parents, child and adoptive parents. Make sure you have kleenexs handy, you are going to cry when you listen to it!

www.adoptionchosencd.com

Michael Mclean first wrote an adoption song years ago from a birth mother's perspective. He just released a book two years ago dedicated to adoption with a cd included. It's called "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours" This cd is also written from different perspectives and is beautiful!

www.fromgodsarms.com

Etsy has some great adoption jewelry, t-shirts, birth announcements and more! Just type in a search and browse the great things that come up...let me know if you have the willpower to NOT buy things, I know I don't!

It is so great to have resources available for adoptive families. If you have favorite adoption books, cds or other items, leave a comment. I'd love to hear what they are!

So Proud

MTV has a show called "16 and Pregnant" that follows a teenage girl throughout her pregnancy and shortly after delivery. The stories are heartbreaking as you see all of the hard decisions these girls face and the lack of support, education, financial assistance. Last weeks episode, however, was incredible. Despite having no support and many concerns, the couple Catelynn and Tyler chose to place their baby girl for adoption. I was in tears as I watched them weigh their options and then choose to do such a noble thing, and then grieve when baby Carly was gone. But I was so proud of them. It's not often that an adoptive parent gets a glimpse of what it's like BEFORE they enter the picture, so I was grateful for that glimpse, as small as it was. That being said...

There are thousands of brave, noble birth parents out there making the same heroic decision and not receiving credit for it on tv and the internet. I know because I have been blessed by 3 of them. So, to my girl's brave birth parents, THANK YOU. Thank you for being our heroes. I am SO PROUD of YOU.

"She has filled the empty spaces in our family and our home..."

That Room

We have a 3 bedroom house. For the past 2 and half years we've lived here, our back bedroom has had many purposes. Many, many nights I sat in there and cried about our second baby and not being able to find them. I would wake up in the middle of the night and write in my journal or rock in our rocking chair. I would dream about them, pray for them, plead for them. After one particularly hard loss of a baby we were to raise, we turned the room into our office. Out went the baby furniture, in went the computer, bookshelves, recliner, etc. Those few months felt like a time for me to heal. I didn't go into "that" room and think about a baby because it had another purpose. I would sit in the recliner and read a book or look out the window thinking and talking to God.

Well, about 2 months ago, we received a phone call that made us quickly turn "that" room into a nursery again. And now, in that very room, is a sleeping baby girl. She is our second adoption miracle. She is perfect in every way. We waited a long time for her and now, because of her sweet birthparents and a Gracious God, our hearts, home, arms and "that" room are full again.

Small Enough

There is a beautiful song called "Small Enough" sung by Mindy Gledhill. Listening to it, I started to think of the countless hours I have spent in trying to find our children. And each hour, God has been Small Enough to care for me. He has been right next to me as I search adoption agencies, photolistings of children, email birthparents and have my heart broken again and again. I KNOW He has been there. He has counted my tears and I know that all of our sorrows will be replaced with countless joys. He is Small Enough to hear me, and I know that He hears you too.

Oh great God
Be small enough
To hear me now
There were times when I was crying
From the dark of Daniel's den
I had asked you once or twice
If you would part the sea again
Tonight I do not need a
Fiery pillar in the sky
Just want to know you're gonna
Hold me if I start to cry
Oh great God
Be small enough to hear me now
Oh great God
Be close enough to feel you now
(Oh great God be close to me)
There have been moments when I could not face
Goliath on my own
And how could I forget we marched
Around our share of Jerichos
But I will not be setting out
A fleece for you tonight
Just wanna know that everything will be alright
Oh great God be close enough to feel me now
All praise and all the honor be
To the god of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder
Turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
Are you there?
And I know you could leave writing
On the wall that's just for me
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping
Like in Solomon's sweet dreams
But I don't need the strength of Sampson
Or a chariot in the end
Just wanna know that you still know how many
Hairs are on my head
Oh great God
(Are you small enough)
Be small enough to hear
Me now