I have not posted on this adoption blog in years. Literally.
I have been more private about my feelings towards adoption as my kids have gotten older. It is their story and I try to be respectful of who I tell it to, now that they have little listening ears.
I recently read all of these articles and thought they were beautiful and I wanted to share them with you, dear reader.
http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/search/label/Adoption
http://www.iamnotthebabysitter.com/on-adoption-and-the-real-mom/
http://www.kathylynnharris.com/dear-moms-of-adopted-children/
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Friday, September 2, 2011
Pregnancy After Adoption: Telling the birthmom
My oldest child was adopted at birth. He's not my adopted son, he's my son, who happened to be adopted.
After a recent long and painful journey, we are going to welcome twins into the family. We could not be more thrilled!!
One aspect of my pregnancy has given me almost constant trepidation: Telling my son's birthmom that we're pregnant.
Would she be mad? Would she think we lied to her when we told her we couldn't get pregnant? Would she do something drastic like demand to have S? Would she be hurt?
Well, why would I even have to tell her? I could just NOT tell her where the twins came from and let her assume we also adopted them. That would avoid the possible confrontation of having to explain that we couldn't get pregnant before S was born, but now we could.
For many months I put off telling her. I am now half way through my pregnancy and realized that the longer I wait, the more of a shock it will be. And at that point, she could be more angry than if I was just honest and up front. My husband and I decided we'd better tell her rather than omitting that important fact. Yes, we didn't have to tell her we are pregnant, but then we'd have to lie to her for the rest of our lives. What if, five years down the road, she somehow finds out they are biological. How would she feel then?
No. We had to tell her.
So, I sent her an email update with pictures and stories of S. The whole time I just prayed that I would know what to say. I was scared.
But what was I really afraid of? If I wanted to address the issues, I had to get nitty gritty with my own emotions and figure out what I was feeling. It boiled down to two things.
1. I was afraid she would think we lied to her about our infertility.
2. I was afraid she would think we don't love Seth as much now that we have our "own" kids.
As I wrote K's email, I tried my hardest to address both issues. This is what I wrote:
Well, the biggest news that Seth has is that he's going to be a big brother. When Tyler and I started the adoption process a few years ago, we had already gone through almost two years of infertility treatments. We were told there was really no reason we shouldn't be able to get pregnant...we just couldn't. We had done almost everything we could, but nothing worked. Three months later we found out about you and Seth, and our lives changed forever. At that moment, we knew why we couldn't get pregnant. We needed to be ready for Seth. When Seth was about a year old, we suddenly felt like our next was on his or her way...but after many months of prayers, we realized that we needed to try to get pregnant again. In May, Tyler and I had a very invasive, extensive and difficult procedure done - in vitro fertilization. Seth and I lived in Utah for a month because that's where the specialist was. (That's where I was when you called me back in April.) K, we're pregnant! And want another surprise? We're having twins. Twins! And let me tell you, Seth is THRILLED!! He frequently comes and kisses my belly and says, "Babies." You ask him where the babies are and he points to me and says, "Mama!" One time I was marveling at how big he's gotten, and I said, "Seth, where did my baby go?" Meaning, he's grown up so fast. Without missing a beat, he patted my belly. He's obsessed with babies. He sees one at church or at a friend's house and he has to go give them hugs and kisses. It's very heartwarming.
We want you to know without a doubt that this only increases our love for Seth. He is, and always will be, our first-born. Even though his birth came through the miracle of adoption, he is still as much ours as the babies that will be born in January. K, we love Seth with all our hearts. Sometimes when he puts his arms around me and gives me a hug, I just want to cry from happiness. (I won't tell you that sometimes I do cry.) We are so grateful that he will have the blessing of being a big brother, because he's going to be an amazing brother!!
I wasn't sure I'd written the right thing until I read it aloud to my husband. We both got very emotional, and I think it's because it's true. Before we got pregnant, I did have fears that having a biological child would change my feelings for S. But now that they're on their way, I can most assuredly say that I am indeed more in love with my little boy than ever.
He is mine. He always will be. He still melts my heart with his smiles and hugs.
I share this experience only because before we told K about the twins, I was at a complete loss. I didn't know if I should tell her or not. If I did tell her, what would I say? How would I begin? It was very difficult. I want others who might be in my position to see how I did it, that way they can have an idea of how they want to do it.
Every birth mother is different, but I think as a whole they want the truth. I would dare say they probably also want reassured that their child is just as loved as ever.
Telling K about our pregnancy is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I'm grateful we did it.
After a recent long and painful journey, we are going to welcome twins into the family. We could not be more thrilled!!
One aspect of my pregnancy has given me almost constant trepidation: Telling my son's birthmom that we're pregnant.
Would she be mad? Would she think we lied to her when we told her we couldn't get pregnant? Would she do something drastic like demand to have S? Would she be hurt?
Well, why would I even have to tell her? I could just NOT tell her where the twins came from and let her assume we also adopted them. That would avoid the possible confrontation of having to explain that we couldn't get pregnant before S was born, but now we could.
For many months I put off telling her. I am now half way through my pregnancy and realized that the longer I wait, the more of a shock it will be. And at that point, she could be more angry than if I was just honest and up front. My husband and I decided we'd better tell her rather than omitting that important fact. Yes, we didn't have to tell her we are pregnant, but then we'd have to lie to her for the rest of our lives. What if, five years down the road, she somehow finds out they are biological. How would she feel then?
No. We had to tell her.
So, I sent her an email update with pictures and stories of S. The whole time I just prayed that I would know what to say. I was scared.
But what was I really afraid of? If I wanted to address the issues, I had to get nitty gritty with my own emotions and figure out what I was feeling. It boiled down to two things.
1. I was afraid she would think we lied to her about our infertility.
2. I was afraid she would think we don't love Seth as much now that we have our "own" kids.
As I wrote K's email, I tried my hardest to address both issues. This is what I wrote:
Well, the biggest news that Seth has is that he's going to be a big brother. When Tyler and I started the adoption process a few years ago, we had already gone through almost two years of infertility treatments. We were told there was really no reason we shouldn't be able to get pregnant...we just couldn't. We had done almost everything we could, but nothing worked. Three months later we found out about you and Seth, and our lives changed forever. At that moment, we knew why we couldn't get pregnant. We needed to be ready for Seth. When Seth was about a year old, we suddenly felt like our next was on his or her way...but after many months of prayers, we realized that we needed to try to get pregnant again. In May, Tyler and I had a very invasive, extensive and difficult procedure done - in vitro fertilization. Seth and I lived in Utah for a month because that's where the specialist was. (That's where I was when you called me back in April.) K, we're pregnant! And want another surprise? We're having twins. Twins! And let me tell you, Seth is THRILLED!! He frequently comes and kisses my belly and says, "Babies." You ask him where the babies are and he points to me and says, "Mama!" One time I was marveling at how big he's gotten, and I said, "Seth, where did my baby go?" Meaning, he's grown up so fast. Without missing a beat, he patted my belly. He's obsessed with babies. He sees one at church or at a friend's house and he has to go give them hugs and kisses. It's very heartwarming.
We want you to know without a doubt that this only increases our love for Seth. He is, and always will be, our first-born. Even though his birth came through the miracle of adoption, he is still as much ours as the babies that will be born in January. K, we love Seth with all our hearts. Sometimes when he puts his arms around me and gives me a hug, I just want to cry from happiness. (I won't tell you that sometimes I do cry.) We are so grateful that he will have the blessing of being a big brother, because he's going to be an amazing brother!!
I wasn't sure I'd written the right thing until I read it aloud to my husband. We both got very emotional, and I think it's because it's true. Before we got pregnant, I did have fears that having a biological child would change my feelings for S. But now that they're on their way, I can most assuredly say that I am indeed more in love with my little boy than ever.
He is mine. He always will be. He still melts my heart with his smiles and hugs.
I share this experience only because before we told K about the twins, I was at a complete loss. I didn't know if I should tell her or not. If I did tell her, what would I say? How would I begin? It was very difficult. I want others who might be in my position to see how I did it, that way they can have an idea of how they want to do it.
Every birth mother is different, but I think as a whole they want the truth. I would dare say they probably also want reassured that their child is just as loved as ever.
Telling K about our pregnancy is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I'm grateful we did it.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
My Advice To You
I've been a mom for 4 years. Not a "mom" the traditional way, I am priviledged enough to be an adoptive mom. While this is the most joyous of titles, it also comes with it's challenges. Such as, how do we find a balance in our open adoption? When do we start telling our children? How do I react to someone's well-meaning, but just plain rude questions?
I am still new to this Mom thing. Each new phase brings growing pains. I am on my knees praying for patience more than I care to admit. My heart is broken almost on a daily basis. This is a lot to take on, especially in open adoption. But I have learned a couple of things that are important to me and need to be shared. So, here's my advice for you.
1) Do not expect yourself to be a perfect parent. You have waited so long to be a parent and are blessed with this perfect little being straight from Heaven. You imagine how things will be. And they will be perfect...at times. But as they grow and you try to keep up, there will be days that you raise your voice. Or even need a time out yourself. This child comes with a personality and a huge spirit in a tiny body. You can't control everything. (Telling myself that today.) Give yourself a break. And keep praying for patience.
2) You have to work on developing tough skin and a soft heart. I am a very sensitive person. 9 times out of 10, someone will say something and it will offend me. I am TRYING to overcome this, but it especially hurts when it's about something sacred like bringing children into your family...or how they GET to your family. New motto: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." (Eleanor Roosevelt)
3) Did I mention you need to give yourself a break? Sometimes, my infertility does the talking, thinking and feeling in me. Although I have two perfect, healthy, beautiful kids, I am still infertile. Adoption did not cure it. Nor would pregnancy. It's a state of mind (in my opinion) more than anything else. I don't go to baby showers. And that's okay. I will send a gift later. I don't associate with people who complain about their pregnancies or tell me horror stories about adoption. This journey is hard enough without subjecting myself to that. This may seem harsh, even irrational. But it's always there. Some days are just better than others.
If you have felt anything similar, please speak up. This road is so much easier to walk down with a friend.
Love,
Hanna
I am still new to this Mom thing. Each new phase brings growing pains. I am on my knees praying for patience more than I care to admit. My heart is broken almost on a daily basis. This is a lot to take on, especially in open adoption. But I have learned a couple of things that are important to me and need to be shared. So, here's my advice for you.
1) Do not expect yourself to be a perfect parent. You have waited so long to be a parent and are blessed with this perfect little being straight from Heaven. You imagine how things will be. And they will be perfect...at times. But as they grow and you try to keep up, there will be days that you raise your voice. Or even need a time out yourself. This child comes with a personality and a huge spirit in a tiny body. You can't control everything. (Telling myself that today.) Give yourself a break. And keep praying for patience.
2) You have to work on developing tough skin and a soft heart. I am a very sensitive person. 9 times out of 10, someone will say something and it will offend me. I am TRYING to overcome this, but it especially hurts when it's about something sacred like bringing children into your family...or how they GET to your family. New motto: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." (Eleanor Roosevelt)
3) Did I mention you need to give yourself a break? Sometimes, my infertility does the talking, thinking and feeling in me. Although I have two perfect, healthy, beautiful kids, I am still infertile. Adoption did not cure it. Nor would pregnancy. It's a state of mind (in my opinion) more than anything else. I don't go to baby showers. And that's okay. I will send a gift later. I don't associate with people who complain about their pregnancies or tell me horror stories about adoption. This journey is hard enough without subjecting myself to that. This may seem harsh, even irrational. But it's always there. Some days are just better than others.
If you have felt anything similar, please speak up. This road is so much easier to walk down with a friend.
Love,
Hanna
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Stings
People are cruel sometimes. They say things without thinking. They don't "edit" their thoughts before they reach their mouth. They may mean well, but there are certain things you shouldn't ask people. My list would go like this,
Don't ask me:
-If I'm "done" having kids.
-How much my kids "cost".
-Where my kid's "real" parents are.
-If I'm going to "go for a boy" next time.
Don't tell me:
-I did things the "easy" way
-My kids are lucky I would take them "like they're my own"
-That we should try fertility drugs to "have our own"
-Don't tell me to "relax"
And please don't ever, ever make a joke about being infertile just because you didn't want kids yet and it got people off of your back. Not okay.
Somedays I can handle all things adoption and infertility. I can let the comments go (mostly). And days like today, I need to vent.
Don't ask me:
-If I'm "done" having kids.
-How much my kids "cost".
-Where my kid's "real" parents are.
-If I'm going to "go for a boy" next time.
Don't tell me:
-I did things the "easy" way
-My kids are lucky I would take them "like they're my own"
-That we should try fertility drugs to "have our own"
-Don't tell me to "relax"
And please don't ever, ever make a joke about being infertile just because you didn't want kids yet and it got people off of your back. Not okay.
Somedays I can handle all things adoption and infertility. I can let the comments go (mostly). And days like today, I need to vent.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
God Found Us You
Tonight I was reading "God Found Us You" to my daughter. There was a page that made me cry and brought back memories,
"Did you ever want to give up?" Little Fox asked.
"Sometimes." Mama said, rubbing Little Fox's cheek with hers. "But I trusted that God knew you, and knew me, and knew when we would fit perfectly together."
In adoption, there seem to be so many roadblocks, so many times that you want to give up. But you don't. And I'm so grateful we didn't.
I asked my daughter if I could tell her again about the first time I met her. "No" she said. I told her anyway. I started crying as I related the beautiful, beautiful day I first saw and held her. She said, "are you crying?!" I told her that I was because I was happy. Then I said that I couldn't believe she was almost 4! She said, "are you going to cry on my birthday?" My reply, "Probably." I will always cry and embarass you sweet girl because you are my miracle and God found us you! Oh, and I'm your mom and it's my job to cry! :)
"Did you ever want to give up?" Little Fox asked.
"Sometimes." Mama said, rubbing Little Fox's cheek with hers. "But I trusted that God knew you, and knew me, and knew when we would fit perfectly together."
In adoption, there seem to be so many roadblocks, so many times that you want to give up. But you don't. And I'm so grateful we didn't.
I asked my daughter if I could tell her again about the first time I met her. "No" she said. I told her anyway. I started crying as I related the beautiful, beautiful day I first saw and held her. She said, "are you crying?!" I told her that I was because I was happy. Then I said that I couldn't believe she was almost 4! She said, "are you going to cry on my birthday?" My reply, "Probably." I will always cry and embarass you sweet girl because you are my miracle and God found us you! Oh, and I'm your mom and it's my job to cry! :)
Monday, October 11, 2010
What Not to Say
I stumbled across this and totally loved it. (Yes, he's a single father of an adopted son. And he's brilliant.)
Single Dad Laughing's Guide to Adoption Etiquette
SDL does drop a few inappropriate words, but I loved his message. He's so candid and real about his responses.
I took stock of how whether or not I'd heard these things and here is what I came up with.
The thing I like to remember when dealing with stupid or hurtful comments is usually the offender just doesn't know any better. They're not trying to be rude (most of the time), they're just ignorant. I can cut them a little slack, and it helps with my anger management.
Single Dad Laughing's Guide to Adoption Etiquette
SDL does drop a few inappropriate words, but I loved his message. He's so candid and real about his responses.
I took stock of how whether or not I'd heard these things and here is what I came up with.
- Never heard this one. I have had interested persons ask me how much it cost to adopt, which I was happy to answer. But I've never had someone ask me "how much my kid cost."
- Never heard this one either. I'd probably laugh.
- I've heard versions of this. And yes, I had to suppress the urge to hit something.
- Oh boy. If I had a dime for every time I heard this...
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- Yes. And while they are just trying to be nice, I do agree. I don't look at pregnant women and say, "You're so good to give birth." We're all just parents, and our children come to our families however they're supposed to.
- I got the horrible adoption stories. It boggles my mind why someone would do this. It's like telling a pregnant women horrible miscarriage stories.
- Never heard this, but Seth is still young. I usually hear, "Is it hard for you that he's adopted?"
- Heard these stories too. It always made me feel guilty that we were able to adopt. And the last thing I want to feel when looking at my son is guilt.
The thing I like to remember when dealing with stupid or hurtful comments is usually the offender just doesn't know any better. They're not trying to be rude (most of the time), they're just ignorant. I can cut them a little slack, and it helps with my anger management.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Thank you
Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my previous post with advice, help, and encouragement. I guess I just needed to be reminded that I am a good mom and it'll be ok.
I was listening to Michael McLean's song, "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours," and the birth mom talks about the adoptive mom giving the child both his mothers' love. I truly feel that. With S I feel like I love him so much, enough for the both of us, and that will make everything alright in the end.
PS. If you think of any other tips or ideas, please let me know!
I was listening to Michael McLean's song, "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours," and the birth mom talks about the adoptive mom giving the child both his mothers' love. I truly feel that. With S I feel like I love him so much, enough for the both of us, and that will make everything alright in the end.
PS. If you think of any other tips or ideas, please let me know!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I need help
I want S to grow up knowing he is adopted. I just want it to be a part of who he is so he never has to question or wonder.
My problem is, how do I tell him?! Do I just start from day one saying, "You are adopted." And when he's old enough he can ask me what adopted means? Or do I tell him, "Your birth mom emailed today..." or "You are special because mommy couldn't hold you in her tummy, so someone else did." Or, "You were meant to be part of our family, you just came a different way than most people." ?
My son is almost a year old, and at this point he understands a lot of what I say, but I think this might go over his head. But for how long? I try to tell him, but my words always make me sound like I'm reading a sentence backwards. They just make no sense.
So I need help, advice, experiences. What did you say? When did you start saying it? When did your child understand you? And how did they take it?
Please help me.
My problem is, how do I tell him?! Do I just start from day one saying, "You are adopted." And when he's old enough he can ask me what adopted means? Or do I tell him, "Your birth mom emailed today..." or "You are special because mommy couldn't hold you in her tummy, so someone else did." Or, "You were meant to be part of our family, you just came a different way than most people." ?
My son is almost a year old, and at this point he understands a lot of what I say, but I think this might go over his head. But for how long? I try to tell him, but my words always make me sound like I'm reading a sentence backwards. They just make no sense.
So I need help, advice, experiences. What did you say? When did you start saying it? When did your child understand you? And how did they take it?
Please help me.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Legacy of an Adopted Child
*My son's birthmother just called and read this poem to me. I found it HERE under poems. Thank goodness for the internet!
Legacy of An Adopted ChildAuthor Unknown
Once there were two women,
Who barely knew each other.
One is in your heart forever,
The other you’ll call mother.
Two different lives,
Shaped to make yours one.
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.
The first gave you life,
And the second taught you how to live it.
The first gave you a need for love,
And the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality,
The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,
The other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.
One gave you a family,
It was what God intended for her to do.
The other prayed for a child,
And God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me
Through your tears,
The age old question through the years.
Heredity or environment…
Which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling… neither,
Just two different kinds of love.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
A Reunion
In May, I received a phone call (out of the blue) from my son's birth mother. I was chicken and didn't answer the phone. She left a message saying she had some great news to share with me.
When I mustered my courage and called her back, she told me that she had a little sister that was placed for adoption at birth. Ever since she had placed S with us, she felt more and more compelled to find her biological sister.
On May 28th, she found her via a social networking sight. She was so emotionally overcome that she wanted to share it with someone.
Me.
I was honored and even cried a little bit myself because she found her sister and she cared enough about me to tell me. It was such a sweet experience.
When I mustered my courage and called her back, she told me that she had a little sister that was placed for adoption at birth. Ever since she had placed S with us, she felt more and more compelled to find her biological sister.
On May 28th, she found her via a social networking sight. She was so emotionally overcome that she wanted to share it with someone.
Me.
I was honored and even cried a little bit myself because she found her sister and she cared enough about me to tell me. It was such a sweet experience.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tender Mercies
One year ago I was scammed. My husband and I had been trying to adopt again for more than a year and seemed to lose baby after baby. We met another birthmom online and began talking to her. She had the baby and we fell in love with her through pictures while she was in the NICU. The birthmom decided to raise her daughter. Our hearts were broken and we prayed that these two special girls would have everything that they needed in life.
A few months ago, I was reading a friend's blog about her situation that sounded VERY similar to our experience. We found out through her detective skills that this was indeed a scam and the baby that we had fallen in love with had never existed. It's sick that someone would/could do something like that to a couple so desperate, so prepared, so emotional, so deserving. I was angry. Livid actually. And then I remembered my happy ending.
Just one month after learning that we would not be raising that baby, a friend contacted us about someone she knew who was having a baby girl...in five short weeks! We took a leap of faith and made a 14 hour journey to meet her. She chose us as her daughter's parents. I will never forget pulling up to her house after our long, emotional drive and seeing the cutest pregnant belly I've ever seen! It was so great to feel the baby kick and know that she was REAL. At the time I didn't know how important the "Real" part was...I had thought the other baby was real too. Looking back, I am so grateful for the Tender Mercies of the Lord. I'm grateful that I found out that we had been scammed...after it had already happened. I can't change anything about it, but it could have certainly changed my path. What if we lacked the faith in our daughter's birthmom and never went to meet her?
Our daughter is almost a year old. She is our sunshine and the love of my life. (Well, one of them, our 3 year old and my husband are high on my list too! :) Our Father in Heaven is aware of us. He knows us. He loves us. He wants us to be happy. I am so grateful that he led us to her, our REAL baby!
A few months ago, I was reading a friend's blog about her situation that sounded VERY similar to our experience. We found out through her detective skills that this was indeed a scam and the baby that we had fallen in love with had never existed. It's sick that someone would/could do something like that to a couple so desperate, so prepared, so emotional, so deserving. I was angry. Livid actually. And then I remembered my happy ending.
Just one month after learning that we would not be raising that baby, a friend contacted us about someone she knew who was having a baby girl...in five short weeks! We took a leap of faith and made a 14 hour journey to meet her. She chose us as her daughter's parents. I will never forget pulling up to her house after our long, emotional drive and seeing the cutest pregnant belly I've ever seen! It was so great to feel the baby kick and know that she was REAL. At the time I didn't know how important the "Real" part was...I had thought the other baby was real too. Looking back, I am so grateful for the Tender Mercies of the Lord. I'm grateful that I found out that we had been scammed...after it had already happened. I can't change anything about it, but it could have certainly changed my path. What if we lacked the faith in our daughter's birthmom and never went to meet her?
Our daughter is almost a year old. She is our sunshine and the love of my life. (Well, one of them, our 3 year old and my husband are high on my list too! :) Our Father in Heaven is aware of us. He knows us. He loves us. He wants us to be happy. I am so grateful that he led us to her, our REAL baby!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Happy Birthmother's Day!
Today is the day to celebrate Birthmothers! We love you for your selflessness, your devotion and love. Thank you to ALL birthmothers wherever you may be. You are LOVED.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
"Natural Child"
Natural child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: Any child who is yours to love.
Adopted child: A natural child, with a real parent who is loved.
Amen! Thanks M!
Real parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: Any child who is yours to love.
Adopted child: A natural child, with a real parent who is loved.
Amen! Thanks M!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I wonder
I sometimes wonder what people think when I talk about S's adoption.
I often mention his birth parents in casual conversation - when people comment about how big he is, I tell him his birth parents are both tall. It's amazing how many people make reference to pregnancy when they see you have a baby. They ask about gaining baby weight, being pregnant and going to college, having heart burn, all kinds of things. I just say, "Well, he's adopted, so I don't know." Most often they get that look on their face. The same kind of look I had when I was a freshman in college and asked a girl in my math class if her mom was coming for Mother's Week. She told me her mom was dead. I was so embarrassed and felt horrible, but how was I supposed to know?
Adoption isn't a bad word. I try to be lighthearted or make a joke so the person doesn't feel bad. I never want someone to feel guilty or embarrassed for asking me about adoption. It's a part of life, and more importantly it's a part of our life.
The one thing that I am curious about is what people think. When you tell someone you've adopted, you are basically announcing to complete strangers that there is a reason you had to adopt, whether it be health issues or infertility. No one ever asks, but I wonder what they think.
I often mention his birth parents in casual conversation - when people comment about how big he is, I tell him his birth parents are both tall. It's amazing how many people make reference to pregnancy when they see you have a baby. They ask about gaining baby weight, being pregnant and going to college, having heart burn, all kinds of things. I just say, "Well, he's adopted, so I don't know." Most often they get that look on their face. The same kind of look I had when I was a freshman in college and asked a girl in my math class if her mom was coming for Mother's Week. She told me her mom was dead. I was so embarrassed and felt horrible, but how was I supposed to know?
Adoption isn't a bad word. I try to be lighthearted or make a joke so the person doesn't feel bad. I never want someone to feel guilty or embarrassed for asking me about adoption. It's a part of life, and more importantly it's a part of our life.
The one thing that I am curious about is what people think. When you tell someone you've adopted, you are basically announcing to complete strangers that there is a reason you had to adopt, whether it be health issues or infertility. No one ever asks, but I wonder what they think.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Helps
I recently came across a website and blog that I love.
The website, http://www.parenthoodforme.org/, has resources for infertility, adoption, parenthood in general. Their motto is "everyone deserves parenthood" so they have helps on how to either overcome infertility or adopt.
The neat thing about them is they offer grants for adopting couples and couples going through medical and fertility treatments. Nice! Most of us know how daunting those bills can be when you are going through so much other emotion in addition.
Their blog, http://parenthoodforme.blogspot.com/, has articles and real life stories. It's just a neat blog to look through. There was an awesome post about fertility a few days ago that I just love. You can find it here. I love feeling like I'm not alone.
I think what I like the most about these sites is that they're all for medical treatment and adoption, because we deserve parenthood either way.
And, if you are in the helping mood, I have a good friend who is hoping to adopt. She has found a fun way to try to help finance that adoption. If you are interested in helping, you can find her blog here: http://www.adoptablanket.blogspot.com/ I have already bought one of her darling blankets as a gift, and it was perfect.
If you know of any other helpful websites please let us know so we can all share the wealth.
The website, http://www.parenthoodforme.org/, has resources for infertility, adoption, parenthood in general. Their motto is "everyone deserves parenthood" so they have helps on how to either overcome infertility or adopt.
The neat thing about them is they offer grants for adopting couples and couples going through medical and fertility treatments. Nice! Most of us know how daunting those bills can be when you are going through so much other emotion in addition.
Their blog, http://parenthoodforme.blogspot.com/, has articles and real life stories. It's just a neat blog to look through. There was an awesome post about fertility a few days ago that I just love. You can find it here. I love feeling like I'm not alone.
I think what I like the most about these sites is that they're all for medical treatment and adoption, because we deserve parenthood either way.
And, if you are in the helping mood, I have a good friend who is hoping to adopt. She has found a fun way to try to help finance that adoption. If you are interested in helping, you can find her blog here: http://www.adoptablanket.blogspot.com/ I have already bought one of her darling blankets as a gift, and it was perfect.
If you know of any other helpful websites please let us know so we can all share the wealth.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Quotes
I love quotes! It's nice to have someone put in to words exactly how you feel or what you need to hear. Here are a few of my favorites:
"Faith in God includes Faith in His Timing." - Elder Neal A. Maxwell
"Those who never give up will find that God never gave up and that He will help them." - President Henry B. Eyring
Adoption is when a child grows in his parents' hearts instead of his mother's tummy. - Unknown
Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days. - Doctrine and Covenants 24:8
Hanna has some great quotes on the side bar also.
Any other quotes that are too good not to share? Don't be shy! They don't have to be about adoption, but life in general. We are all in this together, you know.
"Faith in God includes Faith in His Timing." - Elder Neal A. Maxwell
"Those who never give up will find that God never gave up and that He will help them." - President Henry B. Eyring
Adoption is when a child grows in his parents' hearts instead of his mother's tummy. - Unknown
Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days. - Doctrine and Covenants 24:8
Hanna has some great quotes on the side bar also.
Any other quotes that are too good not to share? Don't be shy! They don't have to be about adoption, but life in general. We are all in this together, you know.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Adoption Music Reviews
Just like the adoption book list, I only buy my favorites of adoption music. There are many wonderful songs and cds available, I'm sure that simply don't relate to our experiences.
The 3 that I would recommend are:
1. From God's Arms by Michael Mclean.
This is a book/cd combo pack and it is beautiful! There are touching pictures and the lyrics printed out in the book, as well as some background info on the songs. This cd has a song from the adoptive parents point of view, birthmom's and child's. It also has a some neat songs about how a family is created through adoption.
2. Chosen
This is a beautiful cd full of a lot of songs from all view points. There are songs for a couple waiting too, which is neat. My favorite one on there talks about how Joseph "adopted" Jesus as his own. (Delivery, track 3)
It's a beautiful cd at a very reasonable price, just click on the link, Chosen above to order.
3. Do You Have a Little Love to Share
This is a good cd, but only a handful of the songs related to domestic adoption. So, it would be great for foster care adoptions, step-parent adoptions, special needs adoptions, etc. The title song is beautiful and makes you think about the question, "Do you have a little love to share? Can you find it in your heart to care?"
Do YOU have a favorite adoption cd or song? I'd love to hear it if you do!
The 3 that I would recommend are:
1. From God's Arms by Michael Mclean.
This is a book/cd combo pack and it is beautiful! There are touching pictures and the lyrics printed out in the book, as well as some background info on the songs. This cd has a song from the adoptive parents point of view, birthmom's and child's. It also has a some neat songs about how a family is created through adoption.
2. Chosen
This is a beautiful cd full of a lot of songs from all view points. There are songs for a couple waiting too, which is neat. My favorite one on there talks about how Joseph "adopted" Jesus as his own. (Delivery, track 3)
It's a beautiful cd at a very reasonable price, just click on the link, Chosen above to order.
3. Do You Have a Little Love to Share
This is a good cd, but only a handful of the songs related to domestic adoption. So, it would be great for foster care adoptions, step-parent adoptions, special needs adoptions, etc. The title song is beautiful and makes you think about the question, "Do you have a little love to share? Can you find it in your heart to care?"
Do YOU have a favorite adoption cd or song? I'd love to hear it if you do!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Adoption Book Reviews
We only have a handful of adoption books for children, but the ones we do own WE LOVE!
1. A Blessing From Above by Patti Henderson-(a Golden Book)
This is one of the first adoption books I was introduced to, before I knew that we would adopt. I remember reading it (crying) and saying, "okay, I think this is what we're going to do!" (It was one of many little experiences that helped us begin on this journey)
The story is about a mother kangaroo who has an empty pouch and prays everyday for a baby to fill it. She is sitting under a tree one day when a baby bluebird falls out of his nest into her pouch. The bird's mother knew that she couldn't take care of her baby, but that he would be loved. It says that every night after that the baby bluebird and his mom thank God that they found each other. (Tears!)
Although the baby is a boy, you could easily substitute that!
2. God Found Us You by Lisa Tawn Bergen (Harper Collins Publishing)
This book is written by the woman who wrote the popular children's books "God Gave Us You" and "God Gave Us Two". It just came out at the end of 2009. Her books are very sweet and she uses parents telling their kids "their" stories to explain things. She discusses how God brought them together and how they prayed and prayed for their baby to come to them. The child in God Found Us You is a boy, but once again, easily substituted.
3. I Don't Have Your Eyes by Carrie A. Kitze (EMK Press)
This is really neat book about how we may look different on the outside, but "in our hearts we are the same". The illustrations suggest that most of the children are a different race than their family, but the words could work for any adoption situation. My favorite lines in the book are, "I don't have you knees...but I have learned your way of giving thanks on mine."
This one has boys and girls in it.
4. Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lynn Curtis (Joanna Cotler Books)
My first introduction to adoption (that I could truly understand and appreciate) probably came when I was 13 or 14 and began babysitting 2 sweet little girls. Their family made it clear that the girls were adopted...and it was no secret or anything to be ashamed of. I loved that about them! They had this book and I read it to them on several occasions. Years later, I found the mother of those girls again and asked her HOW to go about adopting. She has been a source of inspiration and help along the way. I admire their family's approach to talking about adoption, it's one that we will take as well; very open and honest and LOVING.
The little girl in this story asks her parents every night to tell her, again, about the night she was born. They talk about her mom and dad getting the phone call in the middle of the night and flying to get her. The author is very honest about the feelings that come along with all of the "firsts" and the journey to get her baby. I love the illustrations too!
5. The Lambaroo by Diana Kimpton (Gingham Dog Press)
This book is my all time favorite book about adoption. It's a book about our differences and the love that makes us a family. I love it!!! And I think the illustrations are some of the cutest I've ever seen.
*I would highly recommend borrowing books from the library or trying to read excerpts online before purchasing. I have found several books that I have found offensive in the terms they use (like "new mom" and "old mom") or they simply don't relate to our domestic adoptions.
Happy Reading!
1. A Blessing From Above by Patti Henderson-(a Golden Book)
This is one of the first adoption books I was introduced to, before I knew that we would adopt. I remember reading it (crying) and saying, "okay, I think this is what we're going to do!" (It was one of many little experiences that helped us begin on this journey)
The story is about a mother kangaroo who has an empty pouch and prays everyday for a baby to fill it. She is sitting under a tree one day when a baby bluebird falls out of his nest into her pouch. The bird's mother knew that she couldn't take care of her baby, but that he would be loved. It says that every night after that the baby bluebird and his mom thank God that they found each other. (Tears!)
Although the baby is a boy, you could easily substitute that!
2. God Found Us You by Lisa Tawn Bergen (Harper Collins Publishing)
This book is written by the woman who wrote the popular children's books "God Gave Us You" and "God Gave Us Two". It just came out at the end of 2009. Her books are very sweet and she uses parents telling their kids "their" stories to explain things. She discusses how God brought them together and how they prayed and prayed for their baby to come to them. The child in God Found Us You is a boy, but once again, easily substituted.
3. I Don't Have Your Eyes by Carrie A. Kitze (EMK Press)
This is really neat book about how we may look different on the outside, but "in our hearts we are the same". The illustrations suggest that most of the children are a different race than their family, but the words could work for any adoption situation. My favorite lines in the book are, "I don't have you knees...but I have learned your way of giving thanks on mine."
This one has boys and girls in it.
4. Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lynn Curtis (Joanna Cotler Books)
My first introduction to adoption (that I could truly understand and appreciate) probably came when I was 13 or 14 and began babysitting 2 sweet little girls. Their family made it clear that the girls were adopted...and it was no secret or anything to be ashamed of. I loved that about them! They had this book and I read it to them on several occasions. Years later, I found the mother of those girls again and asked her HOW to go about adopting. She has been a source of inspiration and help along the way. I admire their family's approach to talking about adoption, it's one that we will take as well; very open and honest and LOVING.
The little girl in this story asks her parents every night to tell her, again, about the night she was born. They talk about her mom and dad getting the phone call in the middle of the night and flying to get her. The author is very honest about the feelings that come along with all of the "firsts" and the journey to get her baby. I love the illustrations too!
5. The Lambaroo by Diana Kimpton (Gingham Dog Press)
This book is my all time favorite book about adoption. It's a book about our differences and the love that makes us a family. I love it!!! And I think the illustrations are some of the cutest I've ever seen.
*I would highly recommend borrowing books from the library or trying to read excerpts online before purchasing. I have found several books that I have found offensive in the terms they use (like "new mom" and "old mom") or they simply don't relate to our domestic adoptions.
Happy Reading!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Adoption Myths
I realize this is my debut post, and I've been debating whether or not to post this. But in the end I decided this is what I wanted to write about.
Should I introduce myself?
Hi. My name is Deborah, and I'm a mother. My husband and I are completely in love with our little boy, S, who is four months old. He is ours by the miracle of adoption. Before you read anymore of my post, let me warn you that I am a writer. I'm like the person you can't get to keep their mouth shut...only with my fingers. I tend to sometimes be long winded, but I hope what I have to say is worth the endurance of the reader. Cheers!
Before we adopted S, I had no idea the impact the word "adoption" would have on people. Through our journey to find our boy, I discovered a very disheartening truth: there are many negative feelings linked to the word adoption.
So, to dispel some of the myths I have come across during my limited experience, I decided to write this post about adoption myths. To find more, visit Adoption Myths.
Adoption is for people who can't have kids.
This statement seems innocent enough, but it is, in fact, quite horrible. It's true that most adoptions occur because the couple is unsuccessful or unable to get pregnant or have biological children. However, I have met many families that have adopted children as well as had biological children. My own family is an example. My mother gave birth to five of us, and we all knew someone was missing. For years, the question (after a head count) was always, "Who's missing?" It wasn't until six years ago, a few months before I turned 20 and got married, when my little brother was born and brought into our family. Adoption is not only for people who "can't have kids."
Furthermore, it makes it seem like adoption is a second best choice. "Well, I couldn't have kids, so I guess I'll adopt." Which brings us to our next myth.
Adoption is a second rate way to get a baby.
I don't know about you, but the words "get" and "have" grate against my skin like a pumice stone. But that's not the issue here. Adoption is not a second rate way to get a baby, it's a miracle that brings families together.
This is a hard one to explain unless you have adopted or are deeply connected with an adopted child. Let me just say this. No adoptive parent loves their child any less, or considers them any less "theirs" because the child is adopted. We don't know why we are asked to create our families in this way. All we know is that there is a reason, and we may never know it.
Birth mothers are all druggies.
This is simply not true. Birth mothers are brave, courageous women with so much love in their hearts that they sacrifice a life with the child in order to give them something better. I've always loved the quote, "I didn't give him up, I gave him something better." The are unselfish, loving, and strong. Where would most of us be if not for our children's birth mothers?
They come in all shapes and sizes. They can be teenagers who still have a life to live and a little growing up to do. They can be a little older and realize they can't offer the child a family and home like someone else could. S's birth parents are married with three other children and realized from conception that they were not able or meant to raise him. So they did the hard thing and found us.
Birth parents deserve our respect and love.
I could never love someone else's child.
I'm not going to say that I did not have this fear before we adopted. Tyler and I spent many nights discussing this very issue. What if S was born and we realized that we didn't really feel the way we should toward him? What if we had other children...would we love him any less?
In all fairness, I think it's a valid fear, but it is, in fact, a myth. When that child is placed in your arms, they are placed in your heart and soul. They become yours, and you become theirs. When S was still a few days old, I would talk to him in the quiet of my room and say things like, "Mommy loves you." And then, after a moment, I always felt like I had to explain to him who "mommy" was. Because somewhere was a mother who loved him enough to place him with us, but I wanted him to know I was his mommy and I loved him. He didn't need that explanation. He knows better.
I love him with all my heart, and I honestly believe with my whole soul that if I had given birth to him I could not love him any more.
Now that you've adopted, you'll get pregnant.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me this, or hinted it to me...I'd be rich I'm sure.
The fact is you or I could very well get pregnant after adopting. It's not impossible if that's what the Lord has in store...but who really knows what the Lord has planned? Is it in his plan for us to get pregnant? I hope so. But if not, I have to be ok with that. It's something I have to come to terms with. And for the most part, I have. But I can tell you it's still a sensitive issue.
I did not adopt so that I could get pregnant. I adopted because Heavenly Father meant for S to travel a different path to our family. So while most people have good intentions when they say this, they have no idea how sad it makes me.
Adoption is easier than pregnancy.
I have never been pregnant, so I cannot say that adoption is easier, or that pregnancy is easier. The fact is there is probably things about both that are easier or harder than the other.
But if you have never adopted, you don't know the baggage that comes along with your child. I could write a book on all the things you have to "deal" with and worry about when you adopt. The fear and the unknown that are your constant companions...not to mention the fact that your child has another mother and another father somewhere. But I won't bore you with the details.
If you are an adoptive parent, or soon-to-be, just realize that someday, someone will make this comment to you. My advice? Chalk it up to ignorance. They simply don't know. Say what you want to defend yourself if you feel it necessary. (I told them that there were parts of pregnancy I wished I had been blessed with, but that I was grateful for the opportunity to take S to the temple.) But don't be too offended.
If you have never adopted and think it's easier than pregnancy, please don't say anything. You will most likely just hurt someone's feelings in the process.
Adoption is a fix-all.
Most couples don't get married and say, "Oh, I think we'll adopt now." There is usually some level of infertility treatment or medical testing and such that goes along with the choice of adoption. And along with those treatments and testing comes heartache and pain.
Just because we now have a son does not mean our hearts don't ache for our other children. I am still sometimes saddened when I realize I'm not pregnant and so-and-so is. It sometimes takes me a moment or two to realize that I have blessings aplenty and I just need to be grateful. Truly, I did not understand this until after we adopted S. I honestly thought it would be "all better" after we adopted. My life has meaning, and I have the greatest blessing ever given: that of motherhood. But somewhere inside me, I'm still reminded of the fact that things didn't go the way I planned, and that is sometimes hard. Indeed, I think I surprised and maybe bothered a few people when they realized that everything was not "fixed."
Be patient with adoptive mothers who express continued sadness over their "loss" of not being able to bear children. It's programmed within us to have that desire, and it's not a bad thing. We all deal with it a little differently. And just because we get a little sad sometimes, doesn't mean we are ungrateful for our children. Our miracles.
And mothers...be of good cheer! We do have our miracles! And we will continue to have them as long as the Lord sees fit, for he is truly mindful of us all.
Should I introduce myself?
Hi. My name is Deborah, and I'm a mother. My husband and I are completely in love with our little boy, S, who is four months old. He is ours by the miracle of adoption. Before you read anymore of my post, let me warn you that I am a writer. I'm like the person you can't get to keep their mouth shut...only with my fingers. I tend to sometimes be long winded, but I hope what I have to say is worth the endurance of the reader. Cheers!
Before we adopted S, I had no idea the impact the word "adoption" would have on people. Through our journey to find our boy, I discovered a very disheartening truth: there are many negative feelings linked to the word adoption.
So, to dispel some of the myths I have come across during my limited experience, I decided to write this post about adoption myths. To find more, visit Adoption Myths.
Adoption is for people who can't have kids.
This statement seems innocent enough, but it is, in fact, quite horrible. It's true that most adoptions occur because the couple is unsuccessful or unable to get pregnant or have biological children. However, I have met many families that have adopted children as well as had biological children. My own family is an example. My mother gave birth to five of us, and we all knew someone was missing. For years, the question (after a head count) was always, "Who's missing?" It wasn't until six years ago, a few months before I turned 20 and got married, when my little brother was born and brought into our family. Adoption is not only for people who "can't have kids."
Furthermore, it makes it seem like adoption is a second best choice. "Well, I couldn't have kids, so I guess I'll adopt." Which brings us to our next myth.
Adoption is a second rate way to get a baby.
I don't know about you, but the words "get" and "have" grate against my skin like a pumice stone. But that's not the issue here. Adoption is not a second rate way to get a baby, it's a miracle that brings families together.
This is a hard one to explain unless you have adopted or are deeply connected with an adopted child. Let me just say this. No adoptive parent loves their child any less, or considers them any less "theirs" because the child is adopted. We don't know why we are asked to create our families in this way. All we know is that there is a reason, and we may never know it.
Birth mothers are all druggies.
This is simply not true. Birth mothers are brave, courageous women with so much love in their hearts that they sacrifice a life with the child in order to give them something better. I've always loved the quote, "I didn't give him up, I gave him something better." The are unselfish, loving, and strong. Where would most of us be if not for our children's birth mothers?
They come in all shapes and sizes. They can be teenagers who still have a life to live and a little growing up to do. They can be a little older and realize they can't offer the child a family and home like someone else could. S's birth parents are married with three other children and realized from conception that they were not able or meant to raise him. So they did the hard thing and found us.
Birth parents deserve our respect and love.
I could never love someone else's child.
I'm not going to say that I did not have this fear before we adopted. Tyler and I spent many nights discussing this very issue. What if S was born and we realized that we didn't really feel the way we should toward him? What if we had other children...would we love him any less?
In all fairness, I think it's a valid fear, but it is, in fact, a myth. When that child is placed in your arms, they are placed in your heart and soul. They become yours, and you become theirs. When S was still a few days old, I would talk to him in the quiet of my room and say things like, "Mommy loves you." And then, after a moment, I always felt like I had to explain to him who "mommy" was. Because somewhere was a mother who loved him enough to place him with us, but I wanted him to know I was his mommy and I loved him. He didn't need that explanation. He knows better.
I love him with all my heart, and I honestly believe with my whole soul that if I had given birth to him I could not love him any more.
Now that you've adopted, you'll get pregnant.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me this, or hinted it to me...I'd be rich I'm sure.
The fact is you or I could very well get pregnant after adopting. It's not impossible if that's what the Lord has in store...but who really knows what the Lord has planned? Is it in his plan for us to get pregnant? I hope so. But if not, I have to be ok with that. It's something I have to come to terms with. And for the most part, I have. But I can tell you it's still a sensitive issue.
I did not adopt so that I could get pregnant. I adopted because Heavenly Father meant for S to travel a different path to our family. So while most people have good intentions when they say this, they have no idea how sad it makes me.
Adoption is easier than pregnancy.
I have never been pregnant, so I cannot say that adoption is easier, or that pregnancy is easier. The fact is there is probably things about both that are easier or harder than the other.
But if you have never adopted, you don't know the baggage that comes along with your child. I could write a book on all the things you have to "deal" with and worry about when you adopt. The fear and the unknown that are your constant companions...not to mention the fact that your child has another mother and another father somewhere. But I won't bore you with the details.
If you are an adoptive parent, or soon-to-be, just realize that someday, someone will make this comment to you. My advice? Chalk it up to ignorance. They simply don't know. Say what you want to defend yourself if you feel it necessary. (I told them that there were parts of pregnancy I wished I had been blessed with, but that I was grateful for the opportunity to take S to the temple.) But don't be too offended.
If you have never adopted and think it's easier than pregnancy, please don't say anything. You will most likely just hurt someone's feelings in the process.
Adoption is a fix-all.
Most couples don't get married and say, "Oh, I think we'll adopt now." There is usually some level of infertility treatment or medical testing and such that goes along with the choice of adoption. And along with those treatments and testing comes heartache and pain.
Just because we now have a son does not mean our hearts don't ache for our other children. I am still sometimes saddened when I realize I'm not pregnant and so-and-so is. It sometimes takes me a moment or two to realize that I have blessings aplenty and I just need to be grateful. Truly, I did not understand this until after we adopted S. I honestly thought it would be "all better" after we adopted. My life has meaning, and I have the greatest blessing ever given: that of motherhood. But somewhere inside me, I'm still reminded of the fact that things didn't go the way I planned, and that is sometimes hard. Indeed, I think I surprised and maybe bothered a few people when they realized that everything was not "fixed."
Be patient with adoptive mothers who express continued sadness over their "loss" of not being able to bear children. It's programmed within us to have that desire, and it's not a bad thing. We all deal with it a little differently. And just because we get a little sad sometimes, doesn't mean we are ungrateful for our children. Our miracles.
And mothers...be of good cheer! We do have our miracles! And we will continue to have them as long as the Lord sees fit, for he is truly mindful of us all.
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