Reality

I have not posted on this adoption blog in years. Literally.

I have been more private about my feelings towards adoption as my kids have gotten older.  It is their story and I try to be respectful of who I tell it to, now that they have little listening ears.

I recently read all of these articles and thought they were beautiful and I wanted to share them with you, dear reader.

http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/search/label/Adoption

http://www.iamnotthebabysitter.com/on-adoption-and-the-real-mom/

http://www.kathylynnharris.com/dear-moms-of-adopted-children/

Pregnancy After Adoption: Telling the birthmom

My oldest child was adopted at birth. He's not my adopted son, he's my son, who happened to be adopted.

After a recent long and painful journey, we are going to welcome twins into the family. We could not be more thrilled!!

One aspect of my pregnancy has given me almost constant trepidation: Telling my son's birthmom that we're pregnant.

Would she be mad? Would she think we lied to her when we told her we couldn't get pregnant? Would she do something drastic like demand to have S? Would she be hurt?

Well, why would I even have to tell her? I could just NOT tell her where the twins came from and let her assume we also adopted them. That would avoid the possible confrontation of having to explain that we couldn't get pregnant before S was born, but now we could.

For many months I put off telling her. I am now half way through my pregnancy and realized that the longer I wait, the more of a shock it will be. And at that point, she could be more angry than if I was just honest and up front. My husband and I decided we'd better tell her rather than omitting that important fact. Yes, we didn't have to tell her we are pregnant, but then we'd have to lie to her for the rest of our lives. What if, five years down the road, she somehow finds out they are biological. How would she feel then?

No. We had to tell her.

So, I sent her an email update with pictures and stories of S. The whole time I just prayed that I would know what to say. I was scared.

But what was I really afraid of? If I wanted to address the issues, I had to get nitty gritty with my own emotions and figure out what I was feeling. It boiled down to two things.

1. I was afraid she would think we lied to her about our infertility.
2. I was afraid she would think we don't love Seth as much now that we have our "own" kids.

As I wrote K's email, I tried my hardest to address both issues. This is what I wrote:

Well, the biggest news that Seth has is that he's going to be a big brother. When Tyler and I started the adoption process a few years ago, we had already gone through almost two years of infertility treatments. We were told there was really no reason we shouldn't be able to get pregnant...we just couldn't. We had done almost everything we could, but nothing worked. Three months later we found out about you and Seth, and our lives changed forever. At that moment, we knew why we couldn't get pregnant. We needed to be ready for Seth. When Seth was about a year old, we suddenly felt like our next was on his or her way...but after many months of prayers, we realized that we needed to try to get pregnant again. In May, Tyler and I had a very invasive, extensive and difficult procedure done - in vitro fertilization. Seth and I lived in Utah for a month because that's where the specialist was. (That's where I was when you called me back in April.) K, we're pregnant! And want another surprise? We're having twins. Twins! And let me tell you, Seth is THRILLED!! He frequently comes and kisses my belly and says, "Babies." You ask him where the babies are and he points to me and says, "Mama!" One time I was marveling at how big he's gotten, and I said, "Seth, where did my baby go?" Meaning, he's grown up so fast. Without missing a beat, he patted my belly. He's obsessed with babies. He sees one at church or at a friend's house and he has to go give them hugs and kisses. It's very heartwarming.


We want you to know without a doubt that this only increases our love for Seth. He is, and always will be, our first-born. Even though his birth came through the miracle of adoption, he is still as much ours as the babies that will be born in January. K, we love Seth with all our hearts. Sometimes when he puts his arms around me and gives me a hug, I just want to cry from happiness. (I won't tell you that sometimes I do cry.) We are so grateful that he will have the blessing of being a big brother, because he's going to be an amazing brother!!
 
I wasn't sure I'd written the right thing until I read it aloud to my husband. We both got very emotional, and I think it's because it's true. Before we got pregnant, I did have fears that having a biological child would change my feelings for S. But now that they're on their way, I can most assuredly say that I am indeed more in love with my little boy than ever.
 
He is mine. He always will be. He still melts my heart with his smiles and hugs. 
 
I share this experience only because before we told K about the twins, I was at a complete loss. I didn't know if I should tell her or not. If I did tell her, what would I say? How would I begin? It was very difficult. I want others who might be in my position to see how I did it, that way they can have an idea of how they want to do it.
 
Every birth mother is different, but I think as a whole they want the truth. I would dare say they probably also want reassured that their child is just as loved as ever.
 
Telling K about our pregnancy is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I'm grateful we did it.

My Advice To You

I've been a mom for 4 years. Not a "mom" the traditional way, I am priviledged enough to be an adoptive mom. While this is the most joyous of titles, it also comes with it's challenges. Such as, how do we find a balance in our open adoption? When do we start telling our children? How do I react to someone's well-meaning, but just plain rude questions?

I am still new to this Mom thing. Each new phase brings growing pains. I am on my knees praying for patience more than I care to admit. My heart is broken almost on a daily basis. This is a lot to take on, especially in open adoption. But I have learned a couple of things that are important to me and need to be shared. So, here's my advice for you.

1) Do not expect yourself to be a perfect parent. You have waited so long to be a parent and are blessed with this perfect little being straight from Heaven. You imagine how things will be. And they will be perfect...at times. But as they grow and you try to keep up, there will be days that you raise your voice. Or even need a time out yourself. This child comes with a personality and a huge spirit in a tiny body. You can't control everything. (Telling myself that today.) Give yourself a break. And keep praying for patience.

2) You have to work on developing tough skin and a soft heart. I am a very sensitive person. 9 times out of 10, someone will say something and it will offend me. I am TRYING to overcome this, but it especially hurts when it's about something sacred like bringing children into your family...or how they GET to your family. New motto: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

3) Did I mention you need to give yourself a break? Sometimes, my infertility does the talking, thinking and feeling in me. Although I have two perfect, healthy, beautiful kids, I am still infertile. Adoption did not cure it. Nor would pregnancy. It's a state of mind (in my opinion) more than anything else. I don't go to baby showers. And that's okay. I will send a gift later. I don't associate with people who complain about their pregnancies or tell me horror stories about adoption. This journey is hard enough without subjecting myself to that. This may seem harsh, even irrational. But it's always there. Some days are just better than others.

If you have felt anything similar, please speak up. This road is so much easier to walk down with a friend.

Love,
Hanna

Stings

People are cruel sometimes. They say things without thinking. They don't "edit" their thoughts before they reach their mouth. They may mean well, but there are certain things you shouldn't ask people. My list would go like this,

Don't ask me:
-If I'm "done" having kids.
-How much my kids "cost".
-Where my kid's "real" parents are.
-If I'm going to "go for a boy" next time.

Don't tell me:
-I did things the "easy" way
-My kids are lucky I would take them "like they're my own"
-That we should try fertility drugs to "have our own"
-Don't tell me to "relax"

And please don't ever, ever make a joke about being infertile just because you didn't want kids yet and it got people off of your back. Not okay.

Somedays I can handle all things adoption and infertility. I can let the comments go (mostly). And days like today, I need to vent.

Lullaby for a Birthmom

God Found Us You

Tonight I was reading "God Found Us You" to my daughter. There was a page that made me cry and brought back memories,

"Did you ever want to give up?" Little Fox asked.
"Sometimes." Mama said, rubbing Little Fox's cheek with hers. "But I trusted that God knew you, and knew me, and knew when we would fit perfectly together."

In adoption, there seem to be so many roadblocks, so many times that you want to give up. But you don't. And I'm so grateful we didn't.

I asked my daughter if I could tell her again about the first time I met her. "No" she said. I told her anyway. I started crying as I related the beautiful, beautiful day I first saw and held her. She said, "are you crying?!" I told her that I was because I was happy. Then I said that I couldn't believe she was almost 4! She said, "are you going to cry on my birthday?" My reply, "Probably." I will always cry and embarass you sweet girl because you are my miracle and God found us you! Oh, and I'm your mom and it's my job to cry! :)

What Not to Say

I stumbled across this and totally loved it. (Yes, he's a single father of an adopted son. And he's brilliant.)

Single Dad Laughing's Guide to Adoption Etiquette

SDL does drop a few inappropriate words, but I loved his message. He's so candid and real about his responses.

I took stock of how whether or not I'd heard these things and here is what I came up with.

1. Never heard this one. I have had interested persons ask me how much it cost to adopt, which I was happy to answer. But I've never had someone ask me "how much my kid cost."
2. Never heard this one either. I'd probably laugh.
3. I've heard versions of this. And yes, I had to suppress the urge to hit something.
4. Oh boy. If I had a dime for every time I heard this...
5. Yes.
6. No.
7. Yes.
8. Yes. And while they are just trying to be nice, I do agree. I don't look at pregnant women and say, "You're so good to give birth." We're all just parents, and our children come to our families however they're supposed to.
9. I got the horrible adoption stories. It boggles my mind why someone would do this. It's like telling a pregnant women horrible miscarriage stories.
10. Never heard this, but Seth is still young. I usually hear, "Is it hard for you that he's adopted?"
11. Heard these stories too. It always made me feel guilty that we were able to adopt. And the last thing I want to feel when looking at my son is guilt.

The thing I like to remember when dealing with stupid or hurtful comments is usually the offender just doesn't know any better. They're not trying to be rude (most of the time), they're just ignorant. I can cut them a little slack, and it helps with my anger management.

Thank you

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my previous post with advice, help, and encouragement. I guess I just needed to be reminded that I am a good mom and it'll be ok.

I was listening to Michael McLean's song, "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours," and the birth mom talks about the adoptive mom giving the child both his mothers' love. I truly feel that. With S I feel like I love him so much, enough for the both of us, and that will make everything alright in the end.

PS. If you think of any other tips or ideas, please let me know!

I need help

I want S to grow up knowing he is adopted. I just want it to be a part of who he is so he never has to question or wonder.

My problem is, how do I tell him?! Do I just start from day one saying, "You are adopted." And when he's old enough he can ask me what adopted means? Or do I tell him, "Your birth mom emailed today..." or "You are special because mommy couldn't hold you in her tummy, so someone else did." Or, "You were meant to be part of our family, you just came a different way than most people." ?

My son is almost a year old, and at this point he understands a lot of what I say, but I think this might go over his head. But for how long? I try to tell him, but my words always make me sound like I'm reading a sentence backwards. They just make no sense.

So I need help, advice, experiences. What did you say? When did you start saying it? When did your child understand you? And how did they take it?

Please help me.

Legacy of an Adopted Child

*My son's birthmother just called and read this poem to me. I found it HERE under poems. Thank goodness for the internet!

Legacy of An Adopted ChildAuthor Unknown

Once there were two women,

Who barely knew each other.

One is in your heart forever,

The other you’ll call mother.

Two different lives,

Shaped to make yours one.

One became your guiding star,

The other became your sun.

The first gave you life,

And the second taught you how to live it.

The first gave you a need for love,

And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,

The other gave you a name.

One gave you the seed of talent,

The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile,

The other dried your tears.

One gave you a family,

It was what God intended for her to do.

The other prayed for a child,

And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me

Through your tears,

The age old question through the years.

Heredity or environment…

Which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling… neither,

Just two different kinds of love.