Adoption...it's about LOVE

Pregnancy After Adoption: Telling the birthmom

2011-09-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

My oldest child was adopted at birth. He's not my adopted son, he's my son, who happened to be adopted.

After a recent long and painful journey, we are going to welcome twins into the family. We could not be more thrilled!!

One aspect of my pregnancy has given me almost constant trepidation: Telling my son's birthmom that we're pregnant.

Would she be mad? Would she think we lied to her when we told her we couldn't get pregnant? Would she do something drastic like demand to have S? Would she be hurt?

Well, why would I even have to tell her? I could just NOT tell her where the twins came from and let her assume we also adopted them. That would avoid the possible confrontation of having to explain that we couldn't get pregnant before S was born, but now we could.

For many months I put off telling her. I am now half way through my pregnancy and realized that the longer I wait, the more of a shock it will be. And at that point, she could be more angry than if I was just honest and up front. My husband and I decided we'd better tell her rather than omitting that important fact. Yes, we didn't have to tell her we are pregnant, but then we'd have to lie to her for the rest of our lives. What if, five years down the road, she somehow finds out they are biological. How would she feel then?

No. We had to tell her.

So, I sent her an email update with pictures and stories of S. The whole time I just prayed that I would know what to say. I was scared.

But what was I really afraid of? If I wanted to address the issues, I had to get nitty gritty with my own emotions and figure out what I was feeling. It boiled down to two things.

1. I was afraid she would think we lied to her about our infertility.
2. I was afraid she would think we don't love Seth as much now that we have our "own" kids.

As I wrote K's email, I tried my hardest to address both issues. This is what I wrote:

Well, the biggest news that Seth has is that he's going to be a big brother. When Tyler and I started the adoption process a few years ago, we had already gone through almost two years of infertility treatments. We were told there was really no reason we shouldn't be able to get pregnant...we just couldn't. We had done almost everything we could, but nothing worked. Three months later we found out about you and Seth, and our lives changed forever. At that moment, we knew why we couldn't get pregnant. We needed to be ready for Seth. When Seth was about a year old, we suddenly felt like our next was on his or her way...but after many months of prayers, we realized that we needed to try to get pregnant again. In May, Tyler and I had a very invasive, extensive and difficult procedure done - in vitro fertilization. Seth and I lived in Utah for a month because that's where the specialist was. (That's where I was when you called me back in April.) K, we're pregnant! And want another surprise? We're having twins. Twins! And let me tell you, Seth is THRILLED!! He frequently comes and kisses my belly and says, "Babies." You ask him where the babies are and he points to me and says, "Mama!" One time I was marveling at how big he's gotten, and I said, "Seth, where did my baby go?" Meaning, he's grown up so fast. Without missing a beat, he patted my belly. He's obsessed with babies. He sees one at church or at a friend's house and he has to go give them hugs and kisses. It's very heartwarming.

We want you to know without a doubt that this only increases our love for Seth. He is, and always will be, our first-born. Even though his birth came through the miracle of adoption, he is still as much ours as the babies that will be born in January. K, we love Seth with all our hearts. Sometimes when he puts his arms around me and gives me a hug, I just want to cry from happiness. (I won't tell you that sometimes I do cry.) We are so grateful that he will have the blessing of being a big brother, because he's going to be an amazing brother!!

I wasn't sure I'd written the right thing until I read it aloud to my husband. We both got very emotional, and I think it's because it's true. Before we got pregnant, I did have fears that having a biological child would change my feelings for S. But now that they're on their way, I can most assuredly say that I am indeed more in love with my little boy than ever.

He is mine. He always will be. He still melts my heart with his smiles and hugs.

I share this experience only because before we told K about the twins, I was at a complete loss. I didn't know if I should tell her or not. If I did tell her, what would I say? How would I begin? It was very difficult. I want others who might be in my position to see how I did it, that way they can have an idea of how they want to do it.

Every birth mother is different, but I think as a whole they want the truth. I would dare say they probably also want reassured that their child is just as loved as ever.

Telling K about our pregnancy is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I'm grateful we did it.

My Advice To You

2011-04-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

I've been a mom for 4 years. Not a "mom" the traditional way, I am priviledged enough to be an adoptive mom. While this is the most joyous of titles, it also comes with it's challenges. Such as, how do we find a balance in our open adoption? When do we start telling our children? How do I react to someone's well-meaning, but just plain rude questions?

I am still new to this Mom thing. Each new phase brings growing pains. I am on my knees praying for patience more than I care to admit. My heart is broken almost on a daily basis. This is a lot to take on, especially in open adoption. But I have learned a couple of things that are important to me and need to be shared. So, here's my advice for you.

1) Do not expect yourself to be a perfect parent. You have waited so long to be a parent and are blessed with this perfect little being straight from Heaven. You imagine how things will be. And they will be perfect...at times. But as they grow and you try to keep up, there will be days that you raise your voice. Or even need a time out yourself. This child comes with a personality and a huge spirit in a tiny body. You can't control everything. (Telling myself that today.) Give yourself a break. And keep praying for patience.

2) You have to work on developing tough skin and a soft heart. I am a very sensitive person. 9 times out of 10, someone will say something and it will offend me. I am TRYING to overcome this, but it especially hurts when it's about something sacred like bringing children into your family...or how they GET to your family. New motto: "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

3) Did I mention you need to give yourself a break? Sometimes, my infertility does the talking, thinking and feeling in me. Although I have two perfect, healthy, beautiful kids, I am still infertile. Adoption did not cure it. Nor would pregnancy. It's a state of mind (in my opinion) more than anything else. I don't go to baby showers. And that's okay. I will send a gift later. I don't associate with people who complain about their pregnancies or tell me horror stories about adoption. This journey is hard enough without subjecting myself to that. This may seem harsh, even irrational. But it's always there. Some days are just better than others.

If you have felt anything similar, please speak up. This road is so much easier to walk down with a friend.

Love,
Hanna

Stings

2011-01-01T22:54:00.000-08:00

People are cruel sometimes. They say things without thinking. They don't "edit" their thoughts before they reach their mouth. They may mean well, but there are certain things you shouldn't ask people. My list would go like this,

Don't ask me:
-If I'm "done" having kids.
-How much my kids "cost".
-Where my kid's "real" parents are.
-If I'm going to "go for a boy" next time.

Don't tell me:
-I did things the "easy" way
-My kids are lucky I would take them "like they're my own"
-That we should try fertility drugs to "have our own"
-Don't tell me to "relax"

And please don't ever, ever make a joke about being infertile just because you didn't want kids yet and it got people off of your back. Not okay.

Somedays I can handle all things adoption and infertility. I can let the comments go (mostly). And days like today, I need to vent.

Lullaby for a Birthmom

2010-11-04T08:38:00.001-07:00

God Found Us You

2010-10-13T20:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was reading "God Found Us You" to my daughter. There was a page that made me cry and brought back memories,

"Did you ever want to give up?" Little Fox asked.
"Sometimes." Mama said, rubbing Little Fox's cheek with hers. "But I trusted that God knew you, and knew me, and knew when we would fit perfectly together."

In adoption, there seem to be so many roadblocks, so many times that you want to give up. But you don't. And I'm so grateful we didn't.

I asked my daughter if I could tell her again about the first time I met her. "No" she said. I told her anyway. I started crying as I related the beautiful, beautiful day I first saw and held her. She said, "are you crying?!" I told her that I was because I was happy. Then I said that I couldn't believe she was almost 4! She said, "are you going to cry on my birthday?" My reply, "Probably." I will always cry and embarass you sweet girl because you are my miracle and God found us you! Oh, and I'm your mom and it's my job to cry! :)

What Not to Say

2010-10-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this and totally loved it. (Yes, he's a single father of an adopted son. And he's brilliant.)

Single Dad Laughing's Guide to Adoption Etiquette

SDL does drop a few inappropriate words, but I loved his message. He's so candid and real about his responses.

I took stock of how whether or not I'd heard these things and here is what I came up with.

Never heard this one. I have had interested persons ask me how much it cost to adopt, which I was happy to answer. But I've never had someone ask me "how much my kid cost."
Never heard this one either. I'd probably laugh.
I've heard versions of this. And yes, I had to suppress the urge to hit something.
Oh boy. If I had a dime for every time I heard this...
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Yes. And while they are just trying to be nice, I do agree. I don't look at pregnant women and say, "You're so good to give birth." We're all just parents, and our children come to our families however they're supposed to.
I got the horrible adoption stories. It boggles my mind why someone would do this. It's like telling a pregnant women horrible miscarriage stories.
Never heard this, but Seth is still young. I usually hear, "Is it hard for you that he's adopted?"
Heard these stories too. It always made me feel guilty that we were able to adopt. And the last thing I want to feel when looking at my son is guilt.

The thing I like to remember when dealing with stupid or hurtful comments is usually the offender just doesn't know any better. They're not trying to be rude (most of the time), they're just ignorant. I can cut them a little slack, and it helps with my anger management.

Thank you

2010-10-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much to everyone who commented on my previous post with advice, help, and encouragement. I guess I just needed to be reminded that I am a good mom and it'll be ok.

I was listening to Michael McLean's song, "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours," and the birth mom talks about the adoptive mom giving the child both his mothers' love. I truly feel that. With S I feel like I love him so much, enough for the both of us, and that will make everything alright in the end.

PS. If you think of any other tips or ideas, please let me know!

I need help

2010-09-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

I want S to grow up knowing he is adopted. I just want it to be a part of who he is so he never has to question or wonder.

My problem is, how do I tell him?! Do I just start from day one saying, "You are adopted." And when he's old enough he can ask me what adopted means? Or do I tell him, "Your birth mom emailed today..." or "You are special because mommy couldn't hold you in her tummy, so someone else did." Or, "You were meant to be part of our family, you just came a different way than most people." ?

My son is almost a year old, and at this point he understands a lot of what I say, but I think this might go over his head. But for how long? I try to tell him, but my words always make me sound like I'm reading a sentence backwards. They just make no sense.

So I need help, advice, experiences. What did you say? When did you start saying it? When did your child understand you? And how did they take it?

Please help me.

Legacy of an Adopted Child

2010-08-27T16:05:00.000-07:00

*My son's birthmother just called and read this poem to me. I found it HERE under poems. Thank goodness for the internet!

Legacy of An Adopted ChildAuthor Unknown

Once there were two women,

Who barely knew each other.

One is in your heart forever,

The other you’ll call mother.

Two different lives,

Shaped to make yours one.

One became your guiding star,

The other became your sun.

The first gave you life,

And the second taught you how to live it.

The first gave you a need for love,

And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality,

The other gave you a name.

One gave you the seed of talent,

The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions,

The other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile,

The other dried your tears.

One gave you a family,

It was what God intended for her to do.

The other prayed for a child,

And God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me

Through your tears,

The age old question through the years.

Heredity or environment…

Which are you a product of?

Neither, my darling… neither,

Just two different kinds of love.

A Reunion

2010-08-10T15:17:00.000-07:00

In May, I received a phone call (out of the blue) from my son's birth mother. I was chicken and didn't answer the phone. She left a message saying she had some great news to share with me.

When I mustered my courage and called her back, she told me that she had a little sister that was placed for adoption at birth. Ever since she had placed S with us, she felt more and more compelled to find her biological sister.

On May 28th, she found her via a social networking sight. She was so emotionally overcome that she wanted to share it with someone.

Me.

I was honored and even cried a little bit myself because she found her sister and she cared enough about me to tell me. It was such a sweet experience.

Tender Mercies

2010-06-02T22:25:00.000-07:00

One year ago I was scammed. My husband and I had been trying to adopt again for more than a year and seemed to lose baby after baby. We met another birthmom online and began talking to her. She had the baby and we fell in love with her through pictures while she was in the NICU. The birthmom decided to raise her daughter. Our hearts were broken and we prayed that these two special girls would have everything that they needed in life.

A few months ago, I was reading a friend's blog about her situation that sounded VERY similar to our experience. We found out through her detective skills that this was indeed a scam and the baby that we had fallen in love with had never existed. It's sick that someone would/could do something like that to a couple so desperate, so prepared, so emotional, so deserving. I was angry. Livid actually. And then I remembered my happy ending.

Just one month after learning that we would not be raising that baby, a friend contacted us about someone she knew who was having a baby girl...in five short weeks! We took a leap of faith and made a 14 hour journey to meet her. She chose us as her daughter's parents. I will never forget pulling up to her house after our long, emotional drive and seeing the cutest pregnant belly I've ever seen! It was so great to feel the baby kick and know that she was REAL. At the time I didn't know how important the "Real" part was...I had thought the other baby was real too. Looking back, I am so grateful for the Tender Mercies of the Lord. I'm grateful that I found out that we had been scammed...after it had already happened. I can't change anything about it, but it could have certainly changed my path. What if we lacked the faith in our daughter's birthmom and never went to meet her?

Our daughter is almost a year old. She is our sunshine and the love of my life. (Well, one of them, our 3 year old and my husband are high on my list too! :) Our Father in Heaven is aware of us. He knows us. He loves us. He wants us to be happy. I am so grateful that he led us to her, our REAL baby!

Happy Birthmother's Day!

2010-05-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

Today is the day to celebrate Birthmothers! We love you for your selflessness, your devotion and love. Thank you to ALL birthmothers wherever you may be. You are LOVED.

"Natural Child"

2010-05-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

Natural child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your own child: Any child who is yours to love.
Adopted child: A natural child, with a real parent who is loved.

Amen! Thanks M!

I wonder

2010-04-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wonder what people think when I talk about S's adoption.

I often mention his birth parents in casual conversation - when people comment about how big he is, I tell him his birth parents are both tall. It's amazing how many people make reference to pregnancy when they see you have a baby. They ask about gaining baby weight, being pregnant and going to college, having heart burn, all kinds of things. I just say, "Well, he's adopted, so I don't know." Most often they get that look on their face. The same kind of look I had when I was a freshman in college and asked a girl in my math class if her mom was coming for Mother's Week. She told me her mom was dead. I was so embarrassed and felt horrible, but how was I supposed to know?

Adoption isn't a bad word. I try to be lighthearted or make a joke so the person doesn't feel bad. I never want someone to feel guilty or embarrassed for asking me about adoption. It's a part of life, and more importantly it's a part of our life.

The one thing that I am curious about is what people think. When you tell someone you've adopted, you are basically announcing to complete strangers that there is a reason you had to adopt, whether it be health issues or infertility. No one ever asks, but I wonder what they think.

Helps

2010-03-18T09:26:00.000-07:00

I recently came across a website and blog that I love.

The website, http://www.parenthoodforme.org/, has resources for infertility, adoption, parenthood in general. Their motto is "everyone deserves parenthood" so they have helps on how to either overcome infertility or adopt.

The neat thing about them is they offer grants for adopting couples and couples going through medical and fertility treatments. Nice! Most of us know how daunting those bills can be when you are going through so much other emotion in addition.

Their blog, http://parenthoodforme.blogspot.com/, has articles and real life stories. It's just a neat blog to look through. There was an awesome post about fertility a few days ago that I just love. You can find it here. I love feeling like I'm not alone.

I think what I like the most about these sites is that they're all for medical treatment and adoption, because we deserve parenthood either way.

And, if you are in the helping mood, I have a good friend who is hoping to adopt. She has found a fun way to try to help finance that adoption. If you are interested in helping, you can find her blog here: http://www.adoptablanket.blogspot.com/ I have already bought one of her darling blankets as a gift, and it was perfect.

If you know of any other helpful websites please let us know so we can all share the wealth.

Quotes

2010-03-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

I love quotes! It's nice to have someone put in to words exactly how you feel or what you need to hear. Here are a few of my favorites:

"Faith in God includes Faith in His Timing." - Elder Neal A. Maxwell

"Those who never give up will find that God never gave up and that He will help them." - President Henry B. Eyring

Adoption is when a child grows in his parents' hearts instead of his mother's tummy. - Unknown

Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days. - Doctrine and Covenants 24:8

Hanna has some great quotes on the side bar also.

Any other quotes that are too good not to share? Don't be shy! They don't have to be about adoption, but life in general. We are all in this together, you know.

Adoption Music Reviews

2010-03-06T09:28:00.000-08:00

Just like the adoption book list, I only buy my favorites of adoption music. There are many wonderful songs and cds available, I'm sure that simply don't relate to our experiences.

The 3 that I would recommend are:

1. From God's Arms by Michael Mclean.

This is a book/cd combo pack and it is beautiful! There are touching pictures and the lyrics printed out in the book, as well as some background info on the songs. This cd has a song from the adoptive parents point of view, birthmom's and child's. It also has a some neat songs about how a family is created through adoption.

2. Chosen
This is a beautiful cd full of a lot of songs from all view points. There are songs for a couple waiting too, which is neat. My favorite one on there talks about how Joseph "adopted" Jesus as his own. (Delivery, track 3)
It's a beautiful cd at a very reasonable price, just click on the link, Chosen above to order.

3. Do You Have a Little Love to Share
This is a good cd, but only a handful of the songs related to domestic adoption. So, it would be great for foster care adoptions, step-parent adoptions, special needs adoptions, etc. The title song is beautiful and makes you think about the question, "Do you have a little love to share? Can you find it in your heart to care?"

Do YOU have a favorite adoption cd or song? I'd love to hear it if you do!

Adoption Book Reviews

2010-03-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

We only have a handful of adoption books for children, but the ones we do own WE LOVE!

1. A Blessing From Above by Patti Henderson-(a Golden Book)

This is one of the first adoption books I was introduced to, before I knew that we would adopt. I remember reading it (crying) and saying, "okay, I think this is what we're going to do!" (It was one of many little experiences that helped us begin on this journey)

The story is about a mother kangaroo who has an empty pouch and prays everyday for a baby to fill it. She is sitting under a tree one day when a baby bluebird falls out of his nest into her pouch. The bird's mother knew that she couldn't take care of her baby, but that he would be loved. It says that every night after that the baby bluebird and his mom thank God that they found each other. (Tears!)

Although the baby is a boy, you could easily substitute that!

2. God Found Us You by Lisa Tawn Bergen (Harper Collins Publishing)

This book is written by the woman who wrote the popular children's books "God Gave Us You" and "God Gave Us Two". It just came out at the end of 2009. Her books are very sweet and she uses parents telling their kids "their" stories to explain things. She discusses how God brought them together and how they prayed and prayed for their baby to come to them. The child in God Found Us You is a boy, but once again, easily substituted.

3. I Don't Have Your Eyes by Carrie A. Kitze (EMK Press)

This is really neat book about how we may look different on the outside, but "in our hearts we are the same". The illustrations suggest that most of the children are a different race than their family, but the words could work for any adoption situation. My favorite lines in the book are, "I don't have you knees...but I have learned your way of giving thanks on mine."

This one has boys and girls in it.

4. Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lynn Curtis (Joanna Cotler Books)

My first introduction to adoption (that I could truly understand and appreciate) probably came when I was 13 or 14 and began babysitting 2 sweet little girls. Their family made it clear that the girls were adopted...and it was no secret or anything to be ashamed of. I loved that about them! They had this book and I read it to them on several occasions. Years later, I found the mother of those girls again and asked her HOW to go about adopting. She has been a source of inspiration and help along the way. I admire their family's approach to talking about adoption, it's one that we will take as well; very open and honest and LOVING.

The little girl in this story asks her parents every night to tell her, again, about the night she was born. They talk about her mom and dad getting the phone call in the middle of the night and flying to get her. The author is very honest about the feelings that come along with all of the "firsts" and the journey to get her baby. I love the illustrations too!

5. The Lambaroo by Diana Kimpton (Gingham Dog Press)

This book is my all time favorite book about adoption. It's a book about our differences and the love that makes us a family. I love it!!! And I think the illustrations are some of the cutest I've ever seen.

*I would highly recommend borrowing books from the library or trying to read excerpts online before purchasing. I have found several books that I have found offensive in the terms they use (like "new mom" and "old mom") or they simply don't relate to our domestic adoptions.

Happy Reading!

Adoption Myths

2010-02-28T13:55:00.000-08:00

I realize this is my debut post, and I've been debating whether or not to post this. But in the end I decided this is what I wanted to write about.

Should I introduce myself?

Hi. My name is Deborah, and I'm a mother. My husband and I are completely in love with our little boy, S, who is four months old. He is ours by the miracle of adoption. Before you read anymore of my post, let me warn you that I am a writer. I'm like the person you can't get to keep their mouth shut...only with my fingers. I tend to sometimes be long winded, but I hope what I have to say is worth the endurance of the reader. Cheers!

Before we adopted S, I had no idea the impact the word "adoption" would have on people. Through our journey to find our boy, I discovered a very disheartening truth: there are many negative feelings linked to the word adoption.

So, to dispel some of the myths I have come across during my limited experience, I decided to write this post about adoption myths. To find more, visit Adoption Myths.

Adoption is for people who can't have kids.

This statement seems innocent enough, but it is, in fact, quite horrible. It's true that most adoptions occur because the couple is unsuccessful or unable to get pregnant or have biological children. However, I have met many families that have adopted children as well as had biological children. My own family is an example. My mother gave birth to five of us, and we all knew someone was missing. For years, the question (after a head count) was always, "Who's missing?" It wasn't until six years ago, a few months before I turned 20 and got married, when my little brother was born and brought into our family. Adoption is not only for people who "can't have kids."

Furthermore, it makes it seem like adoption is a second best choice. "Well, I couldn't have kids, so I guess I'll adopt." Which brings us to our next myth.

Adoption is a second rate way to get a baby.

I don't know about you, but the words "get" and "have" grate against my skin like a pumice stone. But that's not the issue here. Adoption is not a second rate way to get a baby, it's a miracle that brings families together.

This is a hard one to explain unless you have adopted or are deeply connected with an adopted child. Let me just say this. No adoptive parent loves their child any less, or considers them any less "theirs" because the child is adopted. We don't know why we are asked to create our families in this way. All we know is that there is a reason, and we may never know it.

Birth mothers are all druggies.

This is simply not true. Birth mothers are brave, courageous women with so much love in their hearts that they sacrifice a life with the child in order to give them something better. I've always loved the quote, "I didn't give him up, I gave him something better." The are unselfish, loving, and strong. Where would most of us be if not for our children's birth mothers?

They come in all shapes and sizes. They can be teenagers who still have a life to live and a little growing up to do. They can be a little older and realize they can't offer the child a family and home like someone else could. S's birth parents are married with three other children and realized from conception that they were not able or meant to raise him. So they did the hard thing and found us.

Birth parents deserve our respect and love.

I could never love someone else's child.

I'm not going to say that I did not have this fear before we adopted. Tyler and I spent many nights discussing this very issue. What if S was born and we realized that we didn't really feel the way we should toward him? What if we had other children...would we love him any less?

In all fairness, I think it's a valid fear, but it is, in fact, a myth. When that child is placed in your arms, they are placed in your heart and soul. They become yours, and you become theirs. When S was still a few days old, I would talk to him in the quiet of my room and say things like, "Mommy loves you." And then, after a moment, I always felt like I had to explain to him who "mommy" was. Because somewhere was a mother who loved him enough to place him with us, but I wanted him to know I was his mommy and I loved him. He didn't need that explanation. He knows better.

I love him with all my heart, and I honestly believe with my whole soul that if I had given birth to him I could not love him any more.

Now that you've adopted, you'll get pregnant.

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me this, or hinted it to me...I'd be rich I'm sure.

The fact is you or I could very well get pregnant after adopting. It's not impossible if that's what the Lord has in store...but who really knows what the Lord has planned? Is it in his plan for us to get pregnant? I hope so. But if not, I have to be ok with that. It's something I have to come to terms with. And for the most part, I have. But I can tell you it's still a sensitive issue.

I did not adopt so that I could get pregnant. I adopted because Heavenly Father meant for S to travel a different path to our family. So while most people have good intentions when they say this, they have no idea how sad it makes me.

Adoption is easier than pregnancy.

I have never been pregnant, so I cannot say that adoption is easier, or that pregnancy is easier. The fact is there is probably things about both that are easier or harder than the other.

But if you have never adopted, you don't know the baggage that comes along with your child. I could write a book on all the things you have to "deal" with and worry about when you adopt. The fear and the unknown that are your constant companions...not to mention the fact that your child has another mother and another father somewhere. But I won't bore you with the details.

If you are an adoptive parent, or soon-to-be, just realize that someday, someone will make this comment to you. My advice? Chalk it up to ignorance. They simply don't know. Say what you want to defend yourself if you feel it necessary. (I told them that there were parts of pregnancy I wished I had been blessed with, but that I was grateful for the opportunity to take S to the temple.) But don't be too offended.

If you have never adopted and think it's easier than pregnancy, please don't say anything. You will most likely just hurt someone's feelings in the process.

Adoption is a fix-all.

Most couples don't get married and say, "Oh, I think we'll adopt now." There is usually some level of infertility treatment or medical testing and such that goes along with the choice of adoption. And along with those treatments and testing comes heartache and pain.

Just because we now have a son does not mean our hearts don't ache for our other children. I am still sometimes saddened when I realize I'm not pregnant and so-and-so is. It sometimes takes me a moment or two to realize that I have blessings aplenty and I just need to be grateful. Truly, I did not understand this until after we adopted S. I honestly thought it would be "all better" after we adopted. My life has meaning, and I have the greatest blessing ever given: that of motherhood. But somewhere inside me, I'm still reminded of the fact that things didn't go the way I planned, and that is sometimes hard. Indeed, I think I surprised and maybe bothered a few people when they realized that everything was not "fixed."

Be patient with adoptive mothers who express continued sadness over their "loss" of not being able to bear children. It's programmed within us to have that desire, and it's not a bad thing. We all deal with it a little differently. And just because we get a little sad sometimes, doesn't mean we are ungrateful for our children. Our miracles.

And mothers...be of good cheer! We do have our miracles! And we will continue to have them as long as the Lord sees fit, for he is truly mindful of us all.

Reviews

2010-02-27T18:32:00.000-08:00

When shopping for something adoption related, I think it would be great to have a guide to follow. If it is books that I'm interested in, I usually order them through the library (if my local library doesn't have a copy available) and check them out before buying them. I once had a VERY long list of books (mostly children's books) that I wanted to read, but I have narrowed my favorites down quite a bit. I am going to write my own little reviews on some and tell you why I love the ones that I do. This list will be ongoing, I'm sure and keep in mind that it is only my opinion...

Coming soon!

A New Voice

2010-02-25T11:14:00.000-08:00

After much twisting of the arm (just kidding) my best friend has agreed to be a contributor to this blog. She recently adopted a sweet baby boy and has gracefully navigated this journey, the ups, downs and in betweens of adoption. She is incredible, I admire and love her and am excited to hear what she has to say!

Haven't Met You Yet

2010-02-09T12:21:00.000-08:00

A friend told me recently that she misses me updating this blog. Thank you "M", I miss it too.

I am in love with this song, Just Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble. You can't help but feel happy when you hear it. I was listening to the words today and thought that ironically, it sounds like it was written for an parent waiting for their child!

I'm not surprised.
Not everything lasts.
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track.
Talk myself in.
Talk myself out.
I get all worked up, then I let myself down.

I tried so very hard not to lose it.
I came up with a million excuses.
I thought I thought of every possibility.

(Chorus)
And I know someday it'll all work out.
You'll make me work so we can work to work it out.
And promise you, kid, that I'll give so much more than I get.
I just haven't met you yet.

I might have to wait.
I'll never give up.
I guess it's half timing,
And the other half's luck.
Wherever you are.
Whenever it's right.
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

And I know that we can be so amazing.
And baby your love is gonna change me.
And now I can see every possibility.

(Chorus)

They say all's fair.
In love and war.
But I won't need to fight it.
We'll get it right and
We'll be united.

And someday I know it'll all turn out.
And I'll work to work it out.
Promise you kid, I'll give more than I get.

I just haven't met you yet!

Thinking of this song, in that context, put a huge smile on my face. We do all that we can to get our children here. I have to remember that "It'll all work out!" AND that someone HAS met them, Our Father in Heaven. He knows them and He knows us. "We'll get it right and we'll be united."

Magic

2009-11-15T12:22:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted last!

November is National Adoption Month! Now that our adoptions are final and we are not "looking" for our Miracles, but enjoying them, I find that adoption isn't constantly at the front of my mind. With both of my girls, I forget that I did not give birth to them and feel like they've always been a part of me. The only difference (besides the fact that I didn't give birth) is that our family has grown by several people, not just the addition of a baby. In both cases we added another set of grandparents or 2, some aunts, uncles, cousins, and of course, our remarkable birth parents.

Now that we have finalized our adoptions, there is great relief and it's time to simply "be" as a family. We discuss adoption often as a family and it's not something that will ever be hidden, like it's shameful, because it's NOT shameful.

As we discuss adoption, our 2 year old is beginning to grasp the concept. This week we had a very long, very neat conversation about adoption. My 2 year old told me how happy she was to be in our home and she actually said that "it's not a mistake." I had no idea she even knew that word and the entire conversation left me speechless with tears in my eyes.

Our second daughter is 4 and half months old. She is pure joy and such a happy baby. There is something about the bond that I have with her that is magic. When she looks at me, it's like she KNOWS, just like our 2 year old knows, just like my husband and I know, that we are a FAMILY. Forever. We were meant to be together. I am their mommy, they are my sweet girls. We have been so blessed to be touched by adoption and I'm so grateful to now be enjoying my miracles.

Thank You

2009-09-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

I know that I am incredibly blessed to have my sweet girls and to have successfully navigated our way through this adoption journey to find them. But I find myself complaining...a lot. Our journey has been one with lots of bumps along the way. Sometimes it seemed that anything that could go wrong, would. But not all of it was bad, after all, I have two beautiful daughters. So, I am setting aside my complaints to say Thank You.

Thank you to 3 birth parents for making an adoption plan for their daughters. Thank you birth families for supporting that plan and standing beside us as we ALL welcomed these little girls into our family.

Thank you to 3 different states for clearing us to go home with our beautiful daughters.

Thank you to 3 different LDSFS offices and caseworkers for tirelessly working on our cases.

Thank you to the girls who considered placing with us and in many ways helping us prepare to be parents again.

Thank you to the PD for taking our fingerprints again and again. And again.

Thank you to countless many who prayed for our family and opened their mouths to tell our story.

Thank you to family and friends for standing beside us and cheering us on.

Thank you to my 2 year old who had to wipe my tears too often and tell me it's okay. She even offered me a bottle once to make me feel better!

Thank you to a sweet husband who held me while I cried and taught me so much about faith and family.

And Thank you to my Father in Heaven for entrusting me with these Precious little spirits.

Adoption is a beautiful, life changing gift.

Adoption Items

2009-08-06T12:48:00.000-07:00

I love to find great things about adoption, whether it be media or clothing, it's so nice to know that there are people out there who understand. So, I thought I'd share some of my favorite finds...

This website has such cute shirts for adopting moms and dads. My favorites are, "Paper Pregnant" or "Have I met her real mother? Yes...it's ME!" and "yes, my hands are full, but so is my heart!" Their prices are pretty reasonable, so these would make great gifts. (hint hint! ;) Check out their sale and clearance sections too.

www.adoptionmama.com

The cd "Chosen" is full of beautiful songs written from the perspective of the birth parents, child and adoptive parents. Make sure you have kleenexs handy, you are going to cry when you listen to it!

www.adoptionchosencd.com

Michael Mclean first wrote an adoption song years ago from a birth mother's perspective. He just released a book two years ago dedicated to adoption with a cd included. It's called "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours" This cd is also written from different perspectives and is beautiful!

www.fromgodsarms.com

Etsy has some great adoption jewelry, t-shirts, birth announcements and more! Just type in a search and browse the great things that come up...let me know if you have the willpower to NOT buy things, I know I don't!

It is so great to have resources available for adoptive families. If you have favorite adoption books, cds or other items, leave a comment. I'd love to hear what they are!

So Proud

2009-07-22T14:41:00.000-07:00

MTV has a show called "16 and Pregnant" that follows a teenage girl throughout her pregnancy and shortly after delivery. The stories are heartbreaking as you see all of the hard decisions these girls face and the lack of support, education, financial assistance. Last weeks episode, however, was incredible. Despite having no support and many concerns, the couple Catelynn and Tyler chose to place their baby girl for adoption. I was in tears as I watched them weigh their options and then choose to do such a noble thing, and then grieve when baby Carly was gone. But I was so proud of them. It's not often that an adoptive parent gets a glimpse of what it's like BEFORE they enter the picture, so I was grateful for that glimpse, as small as it was. That being said...

There are thousands of brave, noble birth parents out there making the same heroic decision and not receiving credit for it on tv and the internet. I know because I have been blessed by 3 of them. So, to my girl's brave birth parents, THANK YOU. Thank you for being our heroes. I am SO PROUD of YOU.

"She has filled the empty spaces in our family and our home..."

That Room

2009-07-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

We have a 3 bedroom house. For the past 2 and half years we've lived here, our back bedroom has had many purposes. Many, many nights I sat in there and cried about our second baby and not being able to find them. I would wake up in the middle of the night and write in my journal or rock in our rocking chair. I would dream about them, pray for them, plead for them. After one particularly hard loss of a baby we were to raise, we turned the room into our office. Out went the baby furniture, in went the computer, bookshelves, recliner, etc. Those few months felt like a time for me to heal. I didn't go into "that" room and think about a baby because it had another purpose. I would sit in the recliner and read a book or look out the window thinking and talking to God.

Well, about 2 months ago, we received a phone call that made us quickly turn "that" room into a nursery again. And now, in that very room, is a sleeping baby girl. She is our second adoption miracle. She is perfect in every way. We waited a long time for her and now, because of her sweet birthparents and a Gracious God, our hearts, home, arms and "that" room are full again.

Small Enough

2009-06-07T22:19:00.001-07:00

There is a beautiful song called "Small Enough" sung by Mindy Gledhill. Listening to it, I started to think of the countless hours I have spent in trying to find our children. And each hour, God has been Small Enough to care for me. He has been right next to me as I search adoption agencies, photolistings of children, email birthparents and have my heart broken again and again. I KNOW He has been there. He has counted my tears and I know that all of our sorrows will be replaced with countless joys. He is Small Enough to hear me, and I know that He hears you too.

Oh great God
Be small enough
To hear me now
There were times when I was crying
From the dark of Daniel's den
I had asked you once or twice
If you would part the sea again
Tonight I do not need a
Fiery pillar in the sky
Just want to know you're gonna
Hold me if I start to cry
Oh great God
Be small enough to hear me now
Oh great God
Be close enough to feel you now
(Oh great God be close to me)
There have been moments when I could not face
Goliath on my own
And how could I forget we marched
Around our share of Jerichos
But I will not be setting out
A fleece for you tonight
Just wanna know that everything will be alright
Oh great God be close enough to feel me now
All praise and all the honor be
To the god of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder
Turn the pages of our history
But tonight my heart is heavy
And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer
Are you there?
And I know you could leave writing
On the wall that's just for me
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping
Like in Solomon's sweet dreams
But I don't need the strength of Sampson
Or a chariot in the end
Just wanna know that you still know how many
Hairs are on my head
Oh great God
(Are you small enough)
Be small enough to hear
Me now

Birth Mother's Day

2009-05-09T13:47:00.000-07:00

Today is National Birth Mother's Day!

I would love to personally thank all birth mothers for giving the ultimate sacrifice for their child. You let them go to give them more and I know that your bravery is something THEY will carry with them the rest of their lives. I especially want to thank "K", my daughter's birthmom for giving "more than just one life when she made of this man and wife, a father and a mother. When she gave the gift we could not give each other." I know the joy of being a parent because of you. Thank you. Happy Birth Mother's Day!

Restoring Faith

2009-05-02T11:33:00.001-07:00

We have had a hard time in the adoption world lately. I have become almost numb to everything we've gone through, because it hurts. It hurts to love again and again and wind up aching in the end. So I really have been just kind of numb, not knowing what to do or how I feel. And then I recieved an email this morning that restored my faith in adoption. A dear friend is holding her newborn son because his birthmother placed him with her this morning. This friend has lost babies and mourned and picked herself up to do it all over again. She is an inspiration to me to never give up...and her hard work paid off. Congratulations friend! You deserve such happiness. And to your son's sweet birthmom, thank you for restoring my faith in adoption and the bravery of souls such as yourself.

Growth

2009-04-29T20:03:00.000-07:00

I have moments, tiny one, but moments all the same where I can see growth. Growth in myself, growth in my husband as we face our challenges together. He is always better at putting hard feelings aside and moving on...where I dwell and hurt and cry and then cry some more. This week I had an experience that made me see the growth though. It was only for a moment, but I was so proud of myself, of my husband, of us. I know this probably isn't making sense, but I have to journal this so that I can remember (even as soon as tomorrow) when I forget that there is purpose behind our trials- GROWTH.

Too cute!

2009-04-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

I hope that she doesn't mind me sharing this, but a woman on my Yahoo Adoption Group recently shared this little story...

Her young daughter was sick and had to spend the night in the hospital. Her husband brought her son to visit his sister. As they walked towards her room, they passed the nursery. Staring with wide eyes at all of the tiny babies, he said, "Dad, is this the adoption room?"

She added, "Sigh. If only it were that simple." True. True.

Everything

2009-04-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

I LOVE this song, and of course, the video makes me baul. Thank you "K" for giving EVERYTHING to our Brin.

I can't figure out how to add a video, but follow this link...

Mark Schultz

10 Things I LOVE...

2009-04-07T09:30:00.001-07:00

About Adoption!
I saw this on a friend's blog and tweaked it for this blog :) These are in no particular order.

1) Meeting your child-looking them in the eyes and KNOWING that you are theirs and they are yours. I've said it before, but when I met my daughter it felt like we both said, "welcome home."

2) Adoption music-I cry like a baby when I hear it! Songs about incredible birth parents, incredible adoptive parents and most of all, incredible miracle children.
*Try these cds-Do you have a little love to share-Janice Kapp Perry/ Chosen cd/ From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours book & cd combo-Michael Mclean

3) Happy endings. When these amazing birth parents go on and graduate from college, or meet that special someone who will help mend their broken heart. Of course almost every child/adoptive family has a happy ending too, but I especially appreciate a good one for the birth family! :)

4) LDS Family Services. Because it is my religion, I feel more comfortable sharing things with them and I know that they are praying, just as I am, that all will be well. Their goal is to find FOREVER families for the babies they place...pretty worthy goal if you ask me :)

5) When a judge pronounces that your child will now be forever known as "____________" and for the first time they say their first, middle and last name! On all paperwork prior to finalization, it just says "baby girl"/"baby boy". The judge says that this child is now like he/she was born to you and there will be no legal difference...which leads me to my absolute favorite thing about adoption...

6) Having your child join your ETERNAL family. After finalization, you are able to have your child sealed to you in the Temple and they can then receive a name a blessing. No words can ever describe how incredible it is that our Father in Heaven has provided a way for us to be a family forever, no matter how we are built.

7) Adoption books and movies-also make me cry! (This subject is dear to my heart, so I cry easily anyway:) My favorite adoption movie is "A Place for Annie", it's a Hallmark movie that I have loved since I was really young...never imagining that I would be an adoptive mommy! We have many favorite adoption books, but for fiction I love "My not-so-fairy-tale life" by Julie Wright. Non-fiction I like "A treasury of Adoption Miracles" by Karen Kingsbury. And our favorite children's book about adoption is called "The Lamb-a-roo" by Diana Kimpton. Hope you enjoy them as much as we did!

8) Getting to know other people that have placed a child, have adopted, are adopting, or ARE adopted. Everyone has stories in their lives and "these stories don't mean anything, if you've got no one to tell them to..." I love to hear their stories and learn from them, cry with them, grow from them.

9) Sharing a relationship with birth parents. You think that no one loves your child as much as you do, but the brave decision to place that baby is proof that that's not the case! Every situation is different and many adoptive families were never able to meet their child's birth family, but I'm so grateful that we did. They are amazing and their love for our daughter will be part of her life every single day.

10) That adoption is a gift given to create families. Someone once told me that adoption was not about love, but was about trying to make someone else's child your own. I couldn't disagree more. Adoption is about a child who needs a family, and a family who needs a child and through the Grace of God, they find each other. I will never not acknowledge our little girl's birthmom as the woman who carried her and loved her enough to give her MORE. But in every sense of the word, B is now my daughter and will be FOREVER.

I know with all of my heart that adoption is an act of God. It is about pure love and has taught me so much already, I can't wait to see what comes next!

I Wish...

2009-03-17T13:08:00.000-07:00

that this were an annoucement post. We thought it would be. We had a baby...2 actually, born 2 weeks ago. Twin girls. We had names. And car seats. And a nursery. But no babies. We are 99% sure they are not going to be ours and our hearts are broken, again.

Our agency has called to have us redo our fingerprints FIVE times. They can't decide who's they need, mine or my husband's.

At this point I just can't deal. I am ready to be done. Put it all away and forget about it. But I can't. I know that. As much as I want to guard my heart and the hearts of my loved ones, I know that I am supposed to keep fighting. And I will. After I finish crying.

My Reality

2009-03-10T13:36:00.000-07:00

I am a stay at home mommy. I love everything about it. My schedule is flexible. We have lots of pajama days. And I don't miss a single second of my daughter's life. She and I are best friends. Really. She helps me clean the house, make dinner, etc. while I read to her, take her to the park and simply cuddle with her in return. But being home all day is really hard right now while I'm waiting. Waiting to hear if we have another miracle on the way. Waiting to hear if my life is going to be blessed with a baby or if I should prepare myself for inevitable heartbreak-again.

I try to escape reality. I read books. I watch tv. I go outside. I drive across town to visit people. Anything to turn my mind off. But the second I am home, it's back to My Reality. This is what I do. I am a mom fighting to get my babies here, so I will check my email 50 times a day and keep calling my caseworker. This is my reality and one day, hopefully very soon, it will pay off.

The Infinite Power of Hope.

2009-02-23T15:43:00.000-08:00

Did you know that it is a commandment to have hope? I spoke in Sacrament meeting yesterday and realized that I was supposed to speak to remind myself about hope. Here is the article I based my talk on. We are taught to "against hope believe in hope."

I saw some crazy minister on tv last night (I know it was Sunday, but it's HGTV's Showdown-how could I miss that?!) Anyway, this minister said that God wants to give us these huge blessings that make us say, "Wow! Who could have ever imagined a blessing that great?!" Which, it's true that He wants to bless us, but we also have to do our part and work at it. So, from now on, I am going to work on having HOPE. I am going to make a CHOICE to allow my faith to overcome my fear and my hope to overcome my despair.

This song is from the Adoption cd "Chosen". It's by Kirsten Millsap and sums it up perfectly.

Hello my name is Hope.
I've lived forever.
And I have made many smile.
Now they have tried to keep me silent
They've sent rain and they've sent fire
But I am strong and enduring
I am eternal
They'll never stop from singing
I know it's hard to believe in something
When it cannot be seen
But my name is hope and if you are listening
Then you will hear me singing
I've held the hands of children
I give them reason to survive
And I can heal the wounds of affliction
Just open your heart, let me come in
Hello my name is hope I spring eternal
Seeds of faith grown in my heart
Hello my name is hope
I'll help you move mountains
If you'll only believe
For with your prayers and the Father willing
Then we will keep on singing.

Hannah

2009-02-16T09:04:00.000-08:00

My entire life I have been told how I got my name from the Hannah in the bible, just minus the "h" on the end. My parents had prayed and prayed for me after a couple of miscarriages and I was the answer to their prayers. It's the kind of story that makes you feel wanted, grounded, loved.

I have a dear, dear friend who is going through something very similar to our trial, hoping for a baby. We have discussed the feelings that live inside, the anger. The sadness. The feelings of unworthiness and jealousy. She told me the story of "Hannah" in a way that I had never thought of before.

In the first book of Samuel, Hannah is married to a man who has 2 wives. The other wife can bear children, she cannot. Talk about jealousy and bitterness. That would be so painful! Her husband loved her, "but the Lord had shut up her womb." (Samuel 1:5) Then it says something that hit home..."and her adversary provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the Lord had shut up her womb." (Samuel 1:6)
Her adversary provoked her sore...Satan made her angry. Obviously the bad feelings that often come with infertility and sometimes creep into our adoption experience are not from God. As we know, every good thing comes from God. But I hadn't thought in detail about these feelings and where they were coming from. I just knew they were real and they HURT.

Hannah "went up to the house of the Lord" where she prayed and wept, and prayed some more. Her husband asked her why she was crying and said "why is thy heart grieved? Am not I better to thee than 10 sons?" I am pretty sure that at least one partner in a marriage facing infertility has asked this question before. You are ENOUGH, but you can't fix the hurt.

Hannah continues to pray, and pray. She "wept sore", sound familiar? She pleads with the Lord and makes a vow that if she is blessed with a child she will give him over in the service of God. Guess what, her faith is sufficient and her prayers are answered. "For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him" Then we learn that as long as her son Samuel lived, he worshipped the Lord at the Temple.

I learned SO much reading this again. How many nights I have "wept sore" but I know that the Lord hears my petition.

I found this in the Bible Dictionary about prayer : "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work, and is an apointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings."

How grateful I am to my dear friend for showing me something I had been missing in the story of Hannah and Samuel. I know that the Lord answers our prayers. He really does. I have Brinley as proof. :) He'll answer your's too, you know. Sending hugs your way as you face this difficult trial.

The Gift of Adoption

2009-02-03T08:56:00.000-08:00

This month's Ensign had a wonderful article about adoption from different perspectives...read the article here.

There's More

2009-02-01T12:45:00.000-08:00

When a friend learned that we had had a birthmom change her mind, she said simply, "There's more. And they need you."

Thank you for that reminder today.

Lives Changed

2009-01-29T16:04:00.000-08:00

I am who I am because I get to be Brinley's mom. Adoption changes lives FOREVER. Please take a moment to watch this video about a brave birthmom.

Hope is a Beautiful Thing

2009-01-07T14:09:00.000-08:00

Sitting and waiting for something you want with your whole heart is hard. Doing something about it is even harder sometimes. We have been looking into some situations and it is emotionally draining. But just when I felt like I had nothing left to give, Hope found me. I haven't experienced that feeling in a long time and it changed everything. There's a song that says, "if it takes my whole life, I won't break I won't bend. It'll all be worth it, worth it in the end." Hope is a beautiful thing.

P.S. The situations didn't work out...but I will do my very best to HOLD ON to that Hope!

Adoption through the eyes of Glenn Beck

2008-12-19T09:37:00.000-08:00

I came across a talk that was given by CNN's Glenn Beck. He and his wife have 1 adopted child. The whole talk was great, but this really stuck out to me.

"This little girl was a hero. She was a remarkable superhero. Raphe doesn’t need Spiderman or Superman; he’s got his natural mother as an example of what real superheroes do. Real superheroes don’t think about themselves. Real superheroes don’t make their life all about them. Real superheroes do the hard thing, and I can’t imagine anything tougher than giving birth to a child and giving that child away and then wondering your whole life what’s happening in his day.

We are so unbelievably blessed, and we are not alone. The Lord doesn’t treat us any differently than He treats you. We are all special children to Him. I know that there is a child waiting for each of us. I know with everything in me that our children selected us in the premortal existence. I know that we stood around and we were honored when that soul looked at us and said, “I want you as my dad, and I want you as my mom. Somehow or another we’ll find each other.” It’s not just getting any child. It’s sometimes waiting for that soul who is trying desperately to fulfill their side of the bargain and to fulfill what you guys set out to do in the first place and to be reunited with his family for time and all eternity. But getting there sometimes, you have to walk through the desert. But once you get out of the desert, water has never tasted sweeter. "

Amen!

"Gotcha Day!"

2008-12-17T21:30:00.000-08:00

Today is the 2nd anniversary of what I have heard affectionately called "gotcha day", the day of placement! Our daughter was placed in our care 2 years ago today and it has been the greatest 2 years of my life! Tonight I read some adoption books to her and I wanted to share our favorites...

Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born-Jamie Lee Curtis
I Don't Have Your Eyes-Carrie A. Kitze
Blessing From Above-Patti Henderson
The Lambaroo-Diana Kimpton

There are countless more that are good, but these ones make me cry everytime! :) Happy Gotcha Day!

The Greatest Gift at Christmas

2008-12-17T10:29:00.000-08:00

I sent this in to a magazine last year. It was never published, but I just found it in an old email and wanted to share... "My Favorite Christmas Gift."

Just like so many of you, I have many memorable Christmases from my childhood. Like the year I found the doll under the tree that I'd been begging my parents for. Or the Christmas that I made my family members scrapbooks and enjoyed the smiles and tears on Christmas morning. I don't think that any Christmas memory can hold a candle to 2006 though. My husband and I weren't really in the "Christmas mood", more concerned with monetary things, such as painting and repairing our first home and trying to find a way to afford everything. At the end of November, a phone call changed our lives. Our Christmas present that year would be a little girl. She was due in just a few short weeks and her mother heard about us and felt like WE were her daughter's parents. Things became a blur as we rushed to get her room ready and make preparations to go to her once she was born. Everything in our lives went on the back burner and occasionally we'd look at each other and say, "we're going to be PARENTS!"

We weren't taking much time to celebrate Christmas, but in my heart I think I had a glimpse of how Mary must have felt so long ago. Entering my life was the most precious gift that anyone can receive and our Father in Heaven was entrusting her into our care. When I first held my little girl, I felt like I held the world. And because of the great gift (of our Savior) given by our Heavenly Father to His Children, I am able to experience motherhood. To me that is the greatest gift given at Christmas.

An Ugly Word

2008-12-16T14:02:00.000-08:00

It doesn't matter to me if you are a Democrat or a Republican. White, black or green. Catholic or Methodist. We are ALL God's children. And we are ALL fighting a war that no one is seeing, but the death toll is climbing. Incomprehensible amounts of souls have been snuffed out before even being born. Abortion. I think it is the ugliest word in the English language. I believe that in an unplanned pregnancy there are TWO options: Parenting or Placing the baby for adoption. Personally I don't believe that abortion is justifiable for any reason. Why? Because I am God's child. Because I know that, I know that we are ALL God's children. For this purpose were we born, to receive a physical body and be tested to return to our Father's Kingdom. Please take a few minutes to watch this incredible woman speak out for the countless souls lost in this war.

Gianna Jessen-abortion survivor part 1

Gianna Jessen-abortion survivor Part 2

Due Date

2008-12-03T10:03:00.000-08:00

Today would have been my second daughter's due date, Abbey Fae. I dreamt about her again last night and woke up with a longing to hold her. I have been hoping for a Christmas miracle for our family this year. But, maybe it's been here all along. I have an incredible husband who works so hard to provide for his family. I have a perfect little girl, (who just hit the terrible 2's and has a mind of her own:) a wonderful support system and most of all, I have the knowledge that Jesus Christ died for me. Who could ever ask for more? So, this season, I will try to dwell on the millions of things I have and be grateful for those miracles. When our tiny miracle child DOES come along, I know I will be that much more grateful and it will feel like Christmas every day!

Aching-My Random Thoughts

2008-11-29T12:13:00.000-08:00

I think I am taking a huge risk in writing this because I don't know who's reading it. But, this blog is to serve as a journal of sorts for me as I travel the road to find my second child.

There came a point in the struggle to have a child where I knew I had to accept my "empty womb". Me carrying a child at this time is not part of our Creator's plan and I am able to say, "you know better than I." But that doesn't mean that there's not pain. There are days when I feel so "empty" inside and ache to carry a child, not necessarily in my stomach, but in my arms.

A mother gets nine months to protect her baby inside of her. They grow together and she is able to nurture her baby before it is even born. The minute I held my daughter for the first time, those nine months vanished for me and I knew that it was now my great responsibility to nurture and protect her. I didn't need to be the one who had carried her and given her the gift of life. Our sweet birthmom did that willingly for her and I was grateful that she was placed in our arms, our home and our hearts.

I think that once a baby is placed with us, I will experience again the amazing feelings of love and gratitude and will be able to forget that I didn't carry that child inside. It's just the waiting that'll kill ya.

Couples that face infertility, in any form, often feel unworthy, unloved, hopeless, jealous, sad. It is a lot to face and OVERCOME. Personally, I think that you have much more of the "natural man" in you with all of those feelings and emotions. But, you deal. You cry, you scream, you do whatever it takes to move past the pain. And there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Your child is out there waiting for you.

"Because our empty arms had hurt us through the years
And thoughts of all that might have been would often bring a tear
But we felt hope amid the struggle, for in our hearts we knew
There could be an angel mother who could make all our dreams come true."

-Empty Arms
Janice Kapp Perry

Gratitude

2008-11-26T09:28:00.000-08:00

So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to talk about the things relating to adoption that I am thankful for. As I have said before, losing our baby has hurt SO badly and I still find myself crying at random moments. But, I am choosing today to focus on the positives of that experience so that I can say, "I am grateful that this has happened to us."

I am thankful that...

I was able to go to my first ultrasound
I was able to get to know an incredible young woman who became like a sister to me
we were able to know again the love that we could feel for a child we did not create
my husband, Daniel, and I have grown closer together
it made us appreciate our sweet Brinley and her beautiful birthmom more
we felt like we were doing our part to get our next child here (which, to an adoptive couple who has NO control whatsoever, that is a HUGE thing!)
I have made new friends through this experience. Friends who understand and offer advice, kleenex or just a listening ear. Friends who have cried with me. Thank you.
I have felt hands that are not my own lifting me when I could no longer stand
we have caught a glimpse of what a birthparent feels and I think it has given us a little more compassion, a little more understanding and a little more love.
a new day is just around the corner and we WILL find our child.

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? Were you recently placed with? Are you a birthparent? Has your life been changed forever by adoption?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! God is good to us!

Stories

2008-11-25T12:07:00.000-08:00

I am in awe every time I hear someone's adoption story. The chain of events that led them to that place, to that child...it's incredible. I know that our journey to find our beautiful little girl was miraculous and something we marvel at every day. Each story is so different, different situations, characters, settings, but they all share a common factor. God led them to their child, or their child to them. Would anyone like to share their story?

What is Real?

2008-11-22T07:43:00.000-08:00

I found a mother's day talk on my yahoo adoption group that had me in tears. The woman who wrote it had experienced infertility and many years of tears and prayers...and then she was blessed with the gift of a child through adoption. People don't always understand adoption, therefore there are often comments made that may be well-meaning, but are offensive. One thing that people say to adoptive parents is "where's his/her REAL mom? What did their REAL dad look like?"

I feel like as an adoptive mom it is not only right for me to help clear up these misconceptions, but it is my calling. Having the oppurtunity to gain a family through adoption is something that some people might not be willing or able to do. But those who do adopt understand that every child, biological or not is Heavenly Father's child and is only on loan to us for this earthly existence.

Here is a little from her talk. She actually used the story of the Velveteen Rabbit in a way that I had never thought of before.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick out handle?" (Or the ability to bear your own children) "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.""Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?""It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become.It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off (or you have pulled it all out!), and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.""I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled."

I Can't Do It Alone

2008-11-18T22:52:00.001-08:00

So, it's now been 6 weeks since we found out that our birthmom changed her mind and decided to parent her baby. It has been a very long, hard 6 weeks. I have cried many tears and asked many "whys"? I have felt alone and wished that people could understand our loss. But today I realized that although it would be great if people could TRULY understand our loss, the pain is mine to endure to get to the point of healing.

But, I can't do it alone. None of us can, which is why we have been given our family and friends. And our Savior.

You have someone to lean on. Always.

Half Full/Half Empty

2008-11-16T16:04:00.000-08:00

That phrase takes on an entirely new meaning to me. Since our daughter was about 1 we have had everything ready to go to adopt again. She will be 2 next month. We have been waiting for a year to find a child, OUR child. So many people have said things like, "you already have a baby." But right now, at this very moment, I feel half full/half empty. One arm is full and the other one is aching to hold my child again. I say again because I know that I was with their spirit before this life. When Brin was born I told her that it had been a long 20 years without her. The day we met was like a reunion...it's something I look forward to experiencing again and again until I feel like ALL of my babies are home and my arms (and Daniel's) couldn't possibly be empty anymore!

Dreams

2008-11-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when you think that you are moving on and getting over something, you dream about it and it feels like it has happened all over again. I have alternating dreams. In some, our birthmom tells us that she wants to place with us. Others, we relive the experience of being told that our little girl is not ours anymore.

Before Brin was born, I was blessed with remarkable dreams about HER. And since beginning this adoption journey again, I have experienced dreams which felt so real I couldn't believe that they hadn't happened.

I think that when you are actively SEEKING your child, rather than EXPECTING them, you are blessed with dreams that can help guide you to them. Have you experienced a dream that helped you KNOW your child before you found them?

Range of Emotions

2008-11-13T13:33:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest factors on both sides of adoption is emotion. While I can only say what we have felt as an adoptive family, I know that birth parents face many similar feelings. Recently we were matched with a birthmom who ended up changing her mind. While it has been one of the hardest things we've ever been through, I can't say that I blame her. It is a HARD thing to do, but also the bravest, most selfless thing anyone can do to place a child for adoption. It truly takes someone special to be able to place their child in the arms of their forever family.

We have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. They call the adoption journey a roller coaster and it definitly is! As you go through the process it helps to have someone you can talk to who has been there and can provide advice or simply a listening ear.

Don't expect yourself to handle things a certain way as you go through the process (waiting especially). You've got to be willing to let yourself cry, be frustrated and be angry (I'm trying to take my own advice here!) and then move on to the next emotion as it comes. Right now, I feel HOPE. I know there is a child out there that is meant to be mine and I won't stop looking until I find them.

You may only hear good things about adoption, or just the opposite. I don't think there's really a way to prepare yourself either because every situation, couple and birthparent are very different. But you have a loving Father in Heaven to walk each step with you. He knows where YOUR child is and I believe He will lead you to them.

Welcome

2008-11-12T19:21:00.000-08:00

Adoption. That 1 word invokes so many feelings in me. One day I made a list that said, "adoption...

angelic. precious gift. prayer. selflessness. excitment. hope. joy. waiting. learning. bonding. forgiveness. gratitude. pain. happiness. faith. heroism. frustration. gratitude. amazing. bravery. healing. family. courage. anticipation. nervousness. blessing. Atonement. compassion. miraculous. eternal. emotional. LOVE."

I have wanted a place to share my thoughts for a long time and hope that by sharing them I can help others come to understand more about adoption. So, enjoy the ride with me. I can't guarantee that it will be an easy one, but I do know it's worth it!